Blackadder and Wooster
by Bruce the Duck
Summary: In this "Blackadder" and "Jeeves and Wooster" cross-over, Bertie Wooster is fed up with his valet's contsant critique of his bizarre outfits and fires Jeeves, and in his place hires Edmund Blackadder, along with his slimy servant, Baldrick. They then mee
1. Introduction

Blackadder and Wooster A "Blackadder" and "Jeeves and Wooster" Fan Fiction  
  
Rowan Atkinson as Edmund Blackadder  
  
Tony Robinson as Baldrick  
  
Hugh Laurie as Bertie Wooster  
  
Stephen Fry as Reginald Jeeves  
  
Miranda Richardson as Elizabeth Finknottle  
  
Elizabeth Morton as Madeline Bassett  
  
Richard Braine as Gussie Finknottle  
  
John Turner as Sir Roderick Spode  
  
Tim McInnerny as Kevin Darling  
  
John Woodnut as Sir Watkyn Bassett  
  
Mary Wimbush as Aunt Agatha  
  
Nicholas Palliser as Stilton Cheesewright  
  
Patsy Byrne as Nursie  
  
Helen Atkinson-Wood as Mrs. Miggins  
  
Gabrielle Glaister as Bob Parkhurst  
  
A Special Guest Appearance by John Cleese as Michael Kranton  
  
And Rik Mayall as Flashheart  
  
Author's Note:  
  
I have long been a fan of two of the greatest British comedies of all time, "Blackadder" and "Jeeves and Wooster." When watching "Jeeves and Wooster" for the first time I noticed striking similarities between Hugh Laurie's character of Bertie Wooster and his "Blackadder" persona, George. Upon seeing the episode "Jeeves in the Country," in which Jeeves resigns due to Bertie's trombone playing, I imagined how funny it would have been for Edmund Blackadder to become Bertie's new valet. That thought is what inspired the following story.   
Although almost all of "Blackadder's" central characters are featured in this story, the backdrop for the tale is in the world of "Jeeves and Wooster." The story begins about a month after the events that took place at Totleigh Tower, in the episode entitled, "The Ties That Bond" (American version). Although one does not need to have seen the entire series of "Jeeves and Wooster" to understand this story, it may be helpful to make oneself familiar with the main characters and the general plot of "The Ties That Bond," since there are many scenes in this story that make reference to that episode. If you are not familiar with the series "Blackadder" or "Jeeves and Wooster," I highly recommend checking them out. Both series are currently available in very nice DVD sets.   
Although the story of "Blackadder and Wooster" is entirely original, the story borrows many elements and characters from each of the series that inspired it. For the creation of the characters, Edmund Blackadder, Baldrick, Elizabeth, Kevin Darling, Nursie, Mrs. Miggins, and Flashheart, credit goes to Richard Curtis, Ben Elton, and Rowan Atkinson, along with the cast who brought the various characters to life, including Tony Robinson, Miranda Richardson, Tim McInnerny, Patsy Byrne, Helen Atkinson-Wood, Gabrielle Glaister, and Rik Mayall. For the creation of the characters, Reginald Jeeves, Bertie Wooster, Sir Roderick Spode, Madeline Bassett, Gussie Finknottle, Stilton Cheesewright, Sir Watkyn Bassett, and Aunt Agatha Greigson, as well as story elements including Totleigh Towers, Plumbo-Jumbo, and the Ganymede Club, credit belongs to P.G. Wodehouse, Clive Exton, as well as the cast members, including Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, John Turner, Elizabeth Morton, Richard Braine, Nicholas Palliser, John Woodnut, and Mary Wimbush. The character of Michael Kranton is an original creation.   
I hope you enjoy this merging of two of the greatest British comedies of all time! 


	2. Chapter 1: Blackadder & Baldrick and Jee

Chapter One  
  
Blackadder & Baldrick and Jeeves & Wooster  
  
The two men walked down the sidewalk of a busy London road. One was tall, with gargoyle-like features. He was dressed in an all black butler's uniform and had an evil, sinister sneer stamped on his face. The other was much shorter, dirtier, hairier, and smellier. It would not be difficult to mistake him for a common sewer rat.   
The taller, gargoylish man spoke. "Well, doesn't that just beat all, Baldrick? I can't believe he just fired me, just like that? No notice or anything! And for what? I haven't seen a master so mad since the time I accidentally brutally slammed Master Stone's "little friends" in the door!"   
"Mr. Blackadder?" the small man said, curiously, "Why is it that when you smashed Master Stone's little friends it was an accident, but when you smash mine it's on purpose?"  
"Because, Baldrick," Blackadder replied, "your little friends are called rats and they have no place in a home. You're quite lucky I haven't smashed you in the door!"   
"But I wasn't talking about the rats, Mr. B!"  
"Ah, Baldrick, yes! You are referring to the time I told you to dress as a burglar, go over to Lady Katherine's house, and steel her jewels."  
"I thought you said 'hamburger,'" explained Baldrick.   
"Of course you did. You do, after all, have the intellectual capacity of a rotted tree stump. But anyway, the point is he was furious with me! And for what? If I knew he would be so angry, I never would have rogered his fianc‚e!" Blackadder proclaimed.  
"No?"  
"Well, maybe I would have had him killed first. But now what are we going to do? We have no home, no food, no money, no nothing!"  
"Well, I do have this bottle of wine, Mr. B."  
"Baldrick, that's not wine. That is in fact your water, isn't it?"  
"Well, yes, Mr. B, but it'll keep us filled until we can get some money."  
"It will keep you filled, Baldrick. I have no intention of drinking that swill! Now, how to get some fast cash?"  
"Mr. B., I have a cunning plan!" proclaimed Baldrick.  
Blackadder looked unimpressed at Baldrick and said, "Well, can I say that I'm not too enthusiastic about it? Your last plan was about as clever as drinking your own urine. Well, let's hear it!"  
"We could pretend to be pigeons, sir!" Baldrick said excitedly.  
"Pigeons?"  
"Yes! You see, we dress up like pigeons, and then old men will come and feed us little crumbs of bread. Then, we mush the crumbs into a big loaf of bread and sell it to hungry people all over London!" Baldrick's face lit up with a grin the size of an elephant's undergarments. "Well, what do you think?"  
"Brilliant!" said Blackadder sarcastically, "But I think I have a slightly less idiotic idea. I have an old friend who owes me a big favor. But first we'll have to find a new master. Someone who is complete moron. Someone even stupider than you, Baldrick. A total arse-head."  
  
****  
  
"Some people call it self-indulgence," Bertie Wooster sat at his lovely piano playing the melody and singing along, as happy as a schoolgirl who just found out that the prettiest girl in the school has a crush on him. "But they don't understand that it's hard to be too humble when you know that you're so grand!"  
Wooster's gentleman's gentleman, Jeeves, stepped into the room holding an envelope and Wooster stopped singing. "I'm very displeased with this song, Jeeves," said Wooster.  
"Oh, sir?" replied Jeeves.  
"Yes, it just doesn't have pizzazz! And I can't seem to come up with a suitable chorus."  
"Most distressing, sir," Jeeves answered.  
"You see, I'm trying to write a song about Spode for his birthday to sort of patch things up with Spode and Sir Watkyns, so to speak. So it has to be just perfect."  
"I see, sir."  
"What is that in your hand, Jeeves?" Wooster questioned.  
"It is a telegram from Sir Roderick, sir," Jeeves said, handing the note to him.  
"Spode, you say? What on Earth does he want?"  
"Oddly enough it is an invitation to his birthday party this weekend at Totleigh Towers," said Jeeves.  
"His birthday?"  
"Yes sir, it is an annual event celebrated by most people in the civilized world, honoring the day one was given birth."  
"I know what a birthday is, Jeeves! I'm not a complete nitwit, you know."  
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves apologetically.  
"But why would he invite me? He hates me, doesn't he?"  
"That is the impression one would gather, sir. Perhaps he is trying to mend relationships in light of his broken relationship with Madeline Bassett."  
"Yes, that would make sense, I suppose."  
"So, shall I begin packing, sir?"  
"No, of course not! I'm not going to Totleigh. After what happened last time, Watkyns will have my head on a stick!"   
"I believe sir, that Sir Watkyns has business he is tending to in America. He will not be back for at least another week, sir."  
"Still, Jeeves. I think it's best that I steer clear of Totleigh for a while."  
"Very good, sir. Shall I send a reply to Sir Roderick?" At that moment someone knocked quite fiercely on the door.   
"Who the blazes could that be?" pondered Wooster. As Jeeves opened the door, a strong, angry looking man stormed into the room. Jeeves and Wooster recognized him immediately as Stilton Cheesewright. "Ah, what-ho, Stilton?" called Wooster.   
"Don't 'what-ho' me, Bertie! I still hold you responsible for me loosing Lady Florence! You and all your mustache comments. I knew your plan, Wooster!" declared Cheesewright.   
"Now see here, Stilton! Why have you come here? Surely not to bark at me because you were an arse-head with Flossy?" Bertie demanded.   
"No, Bertie! I came to warn you. I have a new fiancee now. She is the most wonderful, beautiful woman I've ever seen. And we're going to get married."  
"Well, congrats and so forth, old Stilton! What's the lucky gal's name?" said Bertie.  
"Don't bother with congrats, Bertie! I came here to warn you to stay away from her this weekend at old Spode's birthday gathering," said Cheesewright.  
"Well, you needn't worry, Stilton. I have no intention of going to Roderick Spode's birthday party anyhow," explained Bertie, "So, what's the gal's name?"  
"The most beautiful name in the world - Lady Elizabeth Finknottle," Cheesewright announced.   
"Finknotte?" said Bertie flabbergasted at the fact that he knew that name.  
"I believe, sir, that she is the sister of mister Augustus Finknottle," said Jeeves.  
"Gussie, you say? The newt fancier? I never knew he had a sister. Don't suppose she fancies newts as well, Jeeves," said Bertie.  
"No, sir. I believe that she takes a liking to...rats, sir," Jeeves replied.  
"Rats?" Bertie said with disgust clearly in his voice.  
"And what's so wrong with rats, Bertie?" Cheesewright demanded angrily.  
"Well, nothing I suppose," said Bertie, narrowly escaping an attack.  
"You had better watch it, Wooster! If I catch you anywhere near my fiancŽe this time, I will break your spine in seven places!" yelled Cheesewright.  
"Oh, now we're up to seven are we?" said Bertie, "Well, as I said, you needn't worry because I won't be anywhere near Totleigh Towers this weekend."  
"You'd better not be!" the angry man said as he exited the apartment.   
"Of all the nerve, Jeeves! What next?" Bertie said, just before the telephone rang. Jeeves picked it up.   
"Yes...," he said, "Let me check, madam." Cupping his hands over the phone's earpiece, he said, "It is Mrs. Greigson, sir."  
"Aunt Agatha? I haven't the strength, Jeeves."  
"Shall I tell her you're not in, sir?"  
"No, no, Jeeves! She'll know you're covering for me. Let me have it," Bertie said, taking the phone from Jeeves. "What-ho, Aunt Agatha?" Bertie called into the phone.   
"Hello, Bertie. I need you to come to Totleigh Towers this weekend for Sir Roderick's birthday celebration," Aunt Agatha stated.  
"My dear Aunt Agatha, are you forgetting what happened at Spode and Madeline Bassett's wedding? Surely they wouldn't want to..."  
Aunt Agatha interrupted, "We will discuss it when you get here, Bertie."  
"Discuss what?"  
"I cannot tell you now. Just come and see me after breakfast on Saturday."   
"But Aunt Agatha, really...," Bertie pleaded, but it was too late. She had hung up the phone. "She hung up, Jeeves. Of all the nerve!"   
"Yes, sir. This series of requests for your presence at Totleigh Towers does seem rather odd. I imagine it may have something to do with the engagement of Miss Madeline Bassett."  
"Engaged? Madeline? Who's the unlucky blighter this time?" Bertie asked.  
"It is a gentleman by the name of Kevin Darling," said Jeeves.  
"Darling? The name doesn't ring a bell, Jeeves."  
"His family is from France, sir. But he's spent most of his life as an assistant to the French ambassador. Lately, he's been considering a career in British politics."  
"Just what we need, another Frenchman mucking up the British government!"  
"Indeed, sir. I believe that may be why your presence has been requested at Totleigh."  
"How do you mean, Jeeves?"  
"Well, if something were to happen at Totleigh like what happened last time, it might be enough to discourage Mr. Darling from marrying into the family and may even prompt him to move back to France."  
"So, you're saying that they want to use me to drive away this Darling fellow?"  
"That is just my hunch, sir."  
"Well, of all the bloody nerve!"  
"Indeed, sir. It is an unfortunate situation when one's presence is requested only for the purpose of driving others away. Shall I begin packing, sir?" asked Jeeves.  
"Yes, I suppose so," Bertie conceded. 


	3. Chapter 2: Parting of the Ways

Chapter Two  
  
Parting of the Ways  
  
Edmund Blackadder strolled into the Ganymede Club as if he owned the place. His head held high and his shoulders back, he strutted towards the large, colorful posting on the wall near the entrance. Mrs. Miggins, a maid who liked to liven things up by holding regular events for the members, greeted Blackadder. "Ah, hello, Eddie! Nice to see you again! And you've brought your little dog, Baldrick with you I see!"  
"Yes, Mrs. M. The only thing more hideous than you, I'm afraid," Blackadder sneered and then pointed to the posting, "So, what's all this about?"  
"We're holding our First Annual Ganymede's Club Art and Music Competition. Any member may enter a piece of work into the contest to take home an enormous cash prize of 10,000 pounds. So, are either of you interested?" Mrs. Miggins looked positively glowing with cheer. It was enough to make Blackadder sick to his stomach.  
"Well," said Baldrick, "I have a little drawing that I did. Would you like to see it?"  
"Prepare to be amazed, Mrs. Miggins. For Baldrick's artistic ability is comparable to that of a blind chimpanzee with only one arm and a tendency to drool all over anything it touches."   
Baldrick took out of his pocket a small, wrinkled napkin. "I call it 'Farmhouse at Dawn,'" he said.  
"It looks like you wiped your face on it," Blackadder said.  
"Well, I did, sir. See, I was having supper and I wiped my face off. And when I looked down at the napkin, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, so I kept it in my pocket. I've had it for the past six years,as a matter of fact, just hoping that by some odd chance I might stumble upon an art contest. And now here I am!" Baldrick beamed.   
"Baldrick, Mrs. Miggins doesn't want your dirty napkin mucking up her contest. Go throw that out!" Blackadder demanded.  
"No, no, Edmund! Every piece of art has a place in our contest, no matter how small!" Mrs. Miggins proclaimed as she took the napkin from Baldrick and hung it on the wall behind her. Baldrick beamed even greater.  
"Oh, god!" Blackadder mumbled. Disgusted with talking with the two mini-brains, Edmund Blackadder continued on through the main hall until he came to the desk of Michael Kranton. Kranton was tall, slender fellow with a beard and glasses. He sat hunched over a pile of papers with the names and addresses of wealthy Englishmen from all around the country. He was the man in charge of finding new positions for butlers, maids, and gentlemen's gentlemen. Edmund's slimy, little servant, Baldrick, followed closely behind. "Lost another one, have you, Edmund?" questioned Kranton as he noticed him approaching.   
"Yes, yes. You just can't train a master like in the old days," Edmund Blackadder complained, "It's not that they're any smarter. Why, most of my masters fail to provide an intellectual challenge to Baldrick here. But they're all power hungry these days, never willing to listen to the advice, or indeed subtle manipulation, that their trusted butlers provide."  
"I understand all too well, Eddie," Kranton agreed, "That's why I retired from the game. It was too much work and not enough reward."  
"I have the very same problem myself," Baldrick chimed in, "In fact just the other day I asked Mr. B. I said, 'Why do I get no money? And why do I have to sleep in the garage with the rats? And why do I have to eat the master's leftovers for supper? And why do I have to do all the work?'"  
"And what did I tell you then, Baldrick?" Blackadder asked with a sneer.  
"You told me to sod off," said Baldrick.  
"Exactly," Blackadder said, giving Baldrick a punch in the face. As Baldrick struggled to get himself off the ground, Blackadder continued, "So, what I need now is a master who's completely trainable, completely controllable, and a complete and utter idiot, but also someone who has a ton of cash. Know anyone like that?"  
"Well, I know one man who fits that description perfectly. He's a complete fool. Been living in undeserved luxury all his life. Never had to lift a finger for himself, and is as stupid as you would expect him to be. A complete and total prat," Kranton explained.   
"Ah! Sounds like just the man!" Blackadder said, enthusiastically.  
"There's, uh, only one problem, Eddie," Kranton replied.  
"Oh, what's that?" Blackadder asked.  
"He already has a valet. One of the best there is, as a matter of fact."  
"Well, he can't be all that great. After all, he isn't me!" Blackadder laughed. "So, what's the name of this rich git, Kranton?"  
  
* ***  
  
"How's the packing coming, Jeeves?" said Bertie Wooster coming back in from a shopping spree.  
"I've already finished, sir," said Jeeves.  
"Oh no you haven't, Jeeves," said Bertie, smiling.  
"Sir?"  
"I just bought the most fantastic pair of trousers a Wooster's ever laid his eyes upon." Bertie took from the bag a pair of yellow trousers, with blue stripes running vertically down the front and back. Then, pulling out a dress suit with the same hideous pattern, he said, "And I've got a matching suit to go with it! Well what do you think of it, Jeeves?"  
"I can't really say, sir," Jeeves said, clearly disgusted by the outfit.  
"Oh, come now, Jeeves. Tell me what you really think of it," said Bertie.  
"Very good, sir. I think that it would be quite unwise to wear that to Totleigh Towers, sir."  
"What's wrong with it, Jeeves?"  
"Nothing, sir, if you are attempting to attract a herd of color-blind zebras. But as a guest for a formal birthday party with people who have already grown a great displeasure with having you as their guest would be greatly inadvisable, sir."  
"Oh, pish tosh!" said Bertie, "Just put it in the suitcase, Jeeves."  
Jeeves looked at the suit. Then, placing it on the chair, Jeeves announced, "I am afraid that I cannot oblige, sir."  
"What? Well, of all the nerve, Jeeves! I've had it with your insolence, I really have. What business is it of yours what color suit I wear? Just because you have no sense of style, Jeeves, doesn't mean that your master shouldn't as well! Either you start taking orders as they're given, or you can find yourself a new employer!"  
"Very well, sir," said Jeeves, as he crossed the room and picked up his own suitcase and his hat.   
"What? Wait. What are you doing, Jeeves," Bertie stammered.  
"I'm leaving, sir. I hope you are able to find a valet who is more suitable to your needs, sir. Please enjoy your stay at Totleigh Towers. It's been a pleasure working for you, sir." And with that, Jeeves left, leaving Bertie all alone.   
A moment later Jeeves stepped back into the room. "Ah ha! I knew you couldn't last but a few seconds without your master, Jeeves!" said Bertie, satisfied, "Well, you can save the apologies for now, but..."  
Jeeves interrupted, "Here is a list of available valets at the Ganymede Club. All of them would make suitable employees. But I would advise you to stay away from this one," Jeeves said, pointing to the name, Edmund Blackadder. "He is a corrupt, disgruntled butler who would make no hesitation in robbing you blind, sir."  
"Jeeves, I do not need nor desire your help in finding a new valet. I am perfectly capable of choosing one for myself, thank you very much," Bertie argued.  
"Very good, sir. Good day," Jeeves said, making his second exit.   
Bertie looked at the list of names Jeeves had given him. He scrolled down through the names. His finger stopped. "Edmund Blackadder, eh?" 


	4. Chapter 3: A Gentleman's Gentleman's Gen

Chapter Three  
  
A Gentleman's Gentleman's Gentleman  
  
"Well, your credentials look very impressive, I must say," Bertie Wooster said, standing in front of Edmund Blackadder. "And who is this little creature you have with you."   
"I call him, Baldrick, sir," Blackadder said, "He is my servant, and if you hire me, he will do as you command."  
"So, two valets, you say? I suppose I would have to pay twice as much then, wouldn't I?" Bertie questioned.  
"No, sir. Our dual services come to you at a very reasonable price. Baldrick and I share the wages fifty-fifty," Blackadder replied.  
Baldrick looked outraged, "But sir, you've never given me a single penny!"  
Smacking him in the back of the head, Blackadder said, "Speak when spoken to, Baldrick!"  
"Yes, sir," said Baldrick apologetically.  
"Well, tally ho, with a bing and a bong and a buzz buzz buzz! Two valets for the price of one! No wonder Jeeves told me to stay away from you. He probably didn't want me to know what I was missing!" said Bertie.  
"Jeeves, sir?" said Blackadder.  
"Oh, never mind him. He was just my old valet. A complete arse-head. Always trying to tell me how to dress, how to behave etcetera, etcetera. I'm glad to finally be rid of him," Bertie lied. "By the way, you won't critique my wardrobe will you? I mean, you won't object to me wearing clothing that deviates slightly from the norm, will you?"  
"Sir, everyday I am seen with Baldrick. And everyday he dresses like a dung ball. I hardly think anything you could wear could possibly be worse than that," Blackadder said.  
"Yes, well, if I ever try to leave the house looking like him, you'll be sure to knock me unconscious and take me to the nut house, won't you?" Bertie said.  
Laughing, Blackadder said, "Nothing would give me greater pleasure, sir."   
"Good! All right, we're off then! On to Totleigh Towers!" Bertie said as he left the apartment.   
Blackadder left next, whispering into Baldrick's ear, "You mess this up, Baldrick, and you're dead. Do you understand?"  
"Yes, sir." 


	5. Chapter 4: Totleigh Towers

Chapter Four  
  
Totleigh Towers  
  
They were driving at a quick pace down the empty road towards Totleigh Towers. Bertie Wooster was filling Edmund Blackadder in on the eccentricities he would soon encounter at Totleigh. "I tell you, Blackie, you'll never find a bigger bunch of complete lunatics. You should have seen what they did to me the last time I was here! And it wasn't even my fault! I mean how can you blame me for Tuppy's ingenious device flooding the place with sewer water?"  
"So, I am to understand it is someone's birthday?" Blackadder asked, eager to change the subject.  
"Yes, Sir Roderick 'I like to yell, so everybody better come listen to me' Spode," Bertie explained, "The angriest, most cruel man I've ever met. He's always hated me, that Spode. Why he would want to invite me to his birthday party, I have no idea."   
"Perhaps he's trying to mend fences, sir," Blackadder said.  
"You know, that's just what Jeeves said. Now, look here. You're not going to go about telling me what to do and how to dress, now. Is that clear?" Bertie said, defensively.  
"I wouldn't dream of it, sir. I have no desire to emulate Reginald Jeeves," Blackadder said, "From what I've heard of him, he's the most pompous, arrogant Englishman since King George said 'Oh, just let the Americans have their petty, little army! They'd never think of revolting against me!"  
"Ah, good. Now, back to the inhabitants of Totleigh," said Bertie, more calmly, "There's Miss Madeline Bassett. She's a bit of a thicky, if you ask me. Always talking about flowers and clouds and other such nonsense. She also suffers from the delusion that yours truly is in love with her. Poor girl! She would have been well matched with Gussie. But now she's engaged to this Frenchman, Kevin Darling."  
"Gussie, sir?" Blackadder questioned.  
"Gussie Finknottle. He's a good friend of mine, but unfortunately a bit of a nutter. He's completely mad about newts. You know, those slimy little amphibians?"  
"Yes, sir. I'm quite familiar with the animal. In fact, some of Baldrick's best friends are newts."  
"Yes, well Gussie was engaged to Madeline, but then they broke it off. For a while she was engaged to Spode, but Tuppy ruined that with his 'Plumbo-Jumbo' contraption. Oh, and I can't forget about my dear Aunt Agatha. She's always making incredible demands on me. Always coming up with some task that I must do for her in order to keep her happy. And usually I end up in hot water because of her. Of course I love her dearly, but sometimes, well..."  
"Sometimes you want to shove Gussie's newt tank up the old cow's backside? Sir?" Blackadder put in.  
"Well..." Bertie tossed the idea around in his mind for a minute, "You could say that, I suppose." Bertie shot Blackadder a look that showed he had clearly questioned his choice in a new valet.   
"Ah, here we are, sir!" Blackadder announced, "I'll unstrap Baldrick from the roof and catch up with you momentarily." Going around the car, Blackadder pulled some shears out of his pocket and snipped the ropes that were securing Baldrick to the roof of the car. With a loud 'thud,' Baldrick fell to the ground. "Get up, Baldrick! Now remember, don't speak unless I tell you to! Got it?"  
"Yes, sir, Mr. Blackadder," Baldrick replied. The pair walked past the car and caught up with Bertie Wooster as he moved up the steps to Totleigh Tower. The door to the mansion opened at once. There stood the beautiful Madeline Bassett, waiting to greet them.   
"Bertie! You're here! I'm so glad you could come, Bertie!" she exclaimed from the door.   
"What-ho, Madeline?" Bertie said as he came up to the door and entered the mansion, "Congrats on the engagement, old girl! I knew you'd find someone new! Of course, it couldn't be too hard to find someone better than that arse-head, Spode, now could it?"  
At that moment, Sir Roderick Spode stepped into the room. His face was as red as beet, and it was clear to Blackadder that he was mustering all his strength to avoid throttling Bertie. "Hello, Wooster! Welcome. Try not to blow up the place now, will you?"  
"Now see here, Spode! May I remind you that it was Tuppy who ruined your big day last time! And after all, you were the one who invited me here!" Bertie fumed.  
Madeline said, "Please boys, don't argue! This is meant to be a happy occasion. Roderick's birthday and my engagement to Kevin."  
"Yes, yes. Please forgive me, Wooster. Welcome to Totleigh. I do hope you enjoy your stay," Spode said. Bertie nodded, but he thought something wasn't right. Why was Spode so suddenly apologetic? What did he have up his sleeve? Why did he invite Bertie here in the first place? Bertie wished for a brief moment that Jeeves were here to help him sort it all out. Hopefully, Blackadder would be equally clever. Spode spoke up again, "Who is your new valet, Wooster? And what happened to Jeeves?"  
"Jeeves and I had a professional disagreement," Bertie lied, "We have gone our separate ways. This is my new gentleman's gentleman, Edmund Blackadder."  
"How do you do, sir?" said Blackadder, "I am most honored to be spending my weekend with such fine people."  
"What is that horrid smell?" asked Madeline.  
"That would be my servant, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "The smell comes from his trousers which haven't been changed since the late 1800s. Don't worry. Baldrick will not be permitted to roam the mansion. He'll stay in his room. I can get him a leash if necessary."  
"No, no, don't be foolish! We'll get him a nice, clean set of clothes from the closet. Nothing but the best for our guests," said Spode.   
"That's very kind of you, Mr. Spode," Baldrick said, "But I rather prefer my own trousers. It's kind of like moving into a new home. Once you've been in the same house all your life, you feel comfortable and you don't want to leave, do you? My trousers may be rather old, but they're the most comfortable place in the whole world! And they're the only place I'd ever want to keep my..." Baldrick stopped talking abruptly as Blackadder's hand smacked the back of his head.   
"Um...yes," Spode said, "Ah, here comes Madeline's fiancŽe!" A tall, odd-looking man entered the room. He had a squinty sort of face that made it look like he had a sour lemon drop permanently attached to his tongue.   
"Hello, Kevin!" said Madeline, "I want you to meet my friend Bertie Wooster. And this is his valet, Blackadder."  
"Hello," said Darling to both of them.  
"What-ho, Kevbo!" said Bertie.  
"Hello...Darling," said Blackadder. At this, Darling's right eye twitched as if a fly had landed on his eyeball.  
"Wooster!"  
They all turned towards the sound. Sir Watkyn Bassett stood at the entrance to the dining hall. Bertie was flabbergasted.   
"Sir Watkyn? But I thought you were on business in America!" Bertie said.  
"Of course you did, Wooster! You thought you could weasel your way into my home and my family once again while I was away? When I heard that Sir Roderick invited you, I canceled my trip. I want to be here personally, to make sure you don't muck up my home again!" said Sir Watkyn.  
Bertie was about to defend himself. He was about to tell Sir Watkyn all about Tuppy's 'Plumbo Jumbo' and how Bertie had no part of it and how it was all Tuppy's fault. He was about to give Sir Watkyn the biggest tongue slashing he'd ever received. But a strange thing happened. Of all people, Sir Roderick Spode defended Bertie. "You leave him alone, Watkyn! He is a guest of mine and I invited him here! I want all of my dear friends here at my birthday party and that includes Bertie Wooster! And if you don't like it, we can take our party elsewhere!" At this point, Spode was screaming. Blackadder was sure he was the only one who saw Spode give Sir Watkyn a quick wink.   
"Yes, well...I suppose you're right, Spode. Let's let bygones be bygones. Welcome, Wooster!" said Sir Watkyn. Bertie stood, still flabbergasted.   
"Well, I have some business to take care of with Sir Watkyn," Spode announced, "Please excuse me." And with that, the two of them exited the room, leaving Bertie alone with Madeline, Darling, Blackadder, and Baldrick.   
"Come, Bertie," Madeline said in a half-whisper, "I want to show you something. It's in Kevin's room." She led the party upstairs to Kevin Darling's room. When Madeline reached to turn the knob, the door opened by itself. On the other side stood none other than Reginald Jeeves. 


	6. Chapter 5: Jeeves and the Painting

Chapter Five  
  
Jeeves and the Painting  
  
"Hello, Miss Bassett," Jeeves said as cordially as ever, "And Mr. Darling. Ah, it is good to see you again, Mr. Wooster."  
"Jeeves! What on Earth are you doing here?" Bertie questioned.  
"He is my valet, Wooster," said Kevin Darling, "He came highly recommended by my darling fiancŽe, Madeline here."   
"Oh, really. Well..." Bertie stammered, not sure how to take this news.  
"You'd better watch your back," Blackadder piped in, "Pretty soon he'll be telling you how to act, how to dress, and how to think. It won't be long until he's even telling you how to wipe your bottom."  
"I beg your pardon!" Jeeves demanded.  
"Oh, stuff it, fat head! I know all about how you operate, Jeeves. A subtle little comment here. A planned coincidence there. Pretty soon you've taken complete control over your master's entire life. And the thicko has no idea what you're doing the whole time! Well, take it from me, Darling, you'd be better off trusting your life to a German than this self-serving low-life!"  
"I have had just about enough of your insults, Blackadder!" said Jeeves, "Perhaps, Mr. Wooster would like to know about how you've lied and swindled your way into a nice comfy life style. Maybe he wants to know about how you've robbed every one of your previous employers blind with your deceit!"  
"I've earned every penny I have! My master's rely on me for my service, not my mind-control!" Blackadder howled.   
"You are a slimy little creature! A complete disgrace to the Ganymede Club! What have you to say for yourself, Blackadder?" yelled Jeeves.  
"Just two words, really," said Blackadder, now much calmer, "Since you're so damn clever, I'll let you interpret them yourself. 'Sod' and 'Off.'"  
"Boys, boys! Please stop arguing!" Madeline Bassett cut in. "Bertie, come. I want to show you something." She drew him further into the room, where she pulled a large, flat, brown package out from behind a dresser. She unwrapped the package to reveal a painting.   
To Bertie, it looked like a few splashes of brown and black, vaguely resembling a pile of rats on a messy hillside, although he wasn't quite sure what it was meant to be. "What is it?" he asked.   
"It's a painting," said Madeline.  
"Well, I know that, Madeline. I mean what is it supposed to be a picture of?" Bertie asked again.  
"Why it's a portrait of Sir Roderick, of course. It's for his birthday party!" she beamed, "What do you think, Bertie."  
"I think it looks like someone dropped it in the mud," Bertie answered. "I'll have you know, Wooster, that that painting is a Phillip Renoir," Darling said.  
"Excuse me, Darling," said Blackadder, with repressed amusement at Darlings flinching eye lid, "A who?"  
"Phillip Renoir," Darling repeated, "Only one of the greatest French painters of our time! He is a dear friend of the family and he painted this picture for us to give to Sir Roderick."   
"Ah! It all makes sense now," said Blackadder, "Leave it to the French to paint a portrait which looks as much like a human being as pot of vegetable stew after it's been fully digested by a cow and has come back out the other side."  
"I think it's rather nice, sir," said Baldrick.  
"Of course you do, Baldrick," Blackadder replied, "While most men are drawn to paintings of sunsets, forests, and beautiful women, you Baldrick would much prefer to look at a steaming pile of dung. You really should visit France, you know, Baldrick."  
"How dare you insult the French!" Darling said, "You may be a guest of Sir Roderick's, but you are no guest of mine! Get out of my room, you scoundrel!"   
"With pleasure," said Blackadder. Blackadder turned to leave with Baldrick, but not before putting his hand to Darling's arm and saying, "I'm sorry I've upset you, Darling," and watching for the eye to twitch.   
"Terribly sorry about his rudeness, Kevbo!" said Bertie, "You know how it is! Tough to find a decent butler these days and all." With this comment, Bertie and Jeeves exchanged awkward glances for a brief moment. "Well...it's getting late now. I better scuttle off to bed, then. Goodnight, Darling. Goodnight, Madeline. Goodnight, Jeeves."  
"Goodnight, sir," Jeeves said.  
"Yes, I'll see you in the morning. And have a word with that butler of yours, will you?" Darling said.  
"I'll walk you out, Bertie," said Madeline. Once outside the room, Madeline pulled Bertie aside and began whispering. "Bertie, I need to speak with you in private."  
"Well, alright, Madeline. Go ahead!"  
"No, not now. Not here, Bertie. Tomorrow. I need to speak with you tomorrow. You won't forget, will you?"   
"I'm sure you'd remind me if I did, Madeline."  
With a wide smile, Madeline said, "Yes. Well, goodnight, Bertie!"  
"Goodnight, Madeline." As Bertie headed towards his room and Madeline turned back, neither of them noticed that Jeeves had been listening the entire time.   
  
****  
  
"And furthermore, these people have been kind enough to welcome me into their home again after all the havoc that occurred the last time I was here. I will not have my valet hurling insults at our hosts! Do I make myself clear, Blackadder?" Bertie scolded Edmund.   
"Perfectly, sir," said Blackadder, "And may I add a request for your forgiveness, sir. I was so angered by the way that your former butler treated you that I acted without thinking. I mean it's disgraceful the way he treated you like a child. Quite unacceptable, if you ask me. But it will not happen again, sir."  
"Well, thank you, Blackadder. I know you were just looking out for your kind, generous, incredibly good-looking master. All's forgiven! Now, run me a bath, will you, Blackadder?"   
"Impossible, sir," said Blackadder, "One of the butlers here told me while I was waiting for you outside Darling's room that the plumbing in our room is not working. Apparently, after a month, they still haven't recovered from the Plumbo-Jumbo."  
"Oh, well that's a pity!" said Bertie, "Oh, well, I suppose we could use someone else's shower in the morning then.   
"But, Mr. B," said Baldrick, "If the water isn't working, how are we to use the privy?"   
"Well, I suppose you could just go in a bottle like you always do, Baldrick," Blackadder answered, just before there was a massive pounding on the door. They all jumped.   
Baldrick answered the door. "Who are you?" the angry man at the other side of the door asked.   
"My name is Baldrick. I am the ser..."  
"He is nobody important. What do you want?" said Blackadder.  
"I want to speak with your master!" said the man.  
"Ah, Stilton!" said Bertie, "Allow me to introduce Stilton Cheesewright. Stilton, this is my butler, Black..."  
"Enough with the pleasantries, Wooster!" Stilton said, "I thought you told me you weren't coming to Totleigh, and now I find out that you're going to be here the whole weekend?"  
"That's right, Stilton. I changed my mind. Or rather, my Aunt Agatha changed it for me," Bertie said, still attempting to be polite.  
"I know why you're here! You want to take a go at my fiancŽe, Elizabeth, don't you? After I warned you!" said Stilton.  
"I've already told you, Stilton. I have no interest in your fiancŽe at all!" said Bertie.  
"That's not what I think! I think you're planning to steal her away from me with more stupid comments about my facial hair," shouted Stilton, "Well, you had better watch out, Wooster! If I see you anywhere near Elizabeth, I'll break your spine in..."  
"Oh, shut up, Cheesehead!" said Blackadder, "If I wanted to hear a madman scream for an hour, I'd attend a production of Macbeth! Now get out of Mr. Wooster's room, immediately before I have Baldrick beat you up!"  
Stilton left quieter than Bertie had ever seen. After the door shut, Bertie looked at Blackadder. "Well, Blackie, I'm sorry for scolding you before! You really are a big help. I think we're going to get along just fine!" With that final comment, Bertie turned to his bedroom to go to sleep.  
Blackadder turned to Baldrick and said quietly, "That's what I'm counting on," with a sinister laugh. 


	7. Chapter 6: A Pair of Finknottles

Chapter Six  
  
A Pair of Finknottles  
  
Edmund Blackadder was buttoning up his uniform as he entered his master's bedroom. His master, Bertie Wooster was still in deep sleep. "Good morning, Mr. Wooster," Blackadder said calmly. Bertie didn't move a muscle. Blackadder tried again, "Time to wake up, Mr. Wooster. Your morning coffee is nearly ready, sir." Again, no movement from Bertie. Getting frustrated, Blackadder moved the small table on the other side of the room next to the doorway. Then, in a quick, sudden movement, he tipped the lamp that had been sitting on the table onto the floor with a crashing sound!  
Bertie sat straight up in bed, yelling, "Aaahh! What the blazes was that?"  
"Oh, I'm deeply sorry to have awakened you, sir. I must have accidentally knocked the lamp here onto the ground," Blackadder lied.   
"Yes, well you'd better clean it up!" Bertie scolded, "And be more careful next time you enter someone's room."  
"Yes, sir," Blackadder said, coldly, "Sir, the coffee is ready if you would like some."  
"Yes, now that you mention it, I could use a cup," Bertie said, "Two sugars, one cream."   
"Yes, sir," Blackadder said, exiting the room.  
"But, Mr. B.," Baldrick whispered out of Bertie's earshot, "I haven't got any sugar or cream."  
"What? Then what was that you put in my cup?" asked Blackadder. "Wait! Never mind! I'd probably prefer not to know. Just make Master Thicko's the same. He'll never know the difference. So, Baldrick, I'm going to spend the day finding out everything I can about this Totleigh and its inhabitants. Think you can manage to stay out of trouble?"  
"What? You mean I have to stay here? But why, Mr. B.? Why can't I help you in your scheme to rob stupid, rich people?" Baldrick begged.  
"Because Baldrick, you are like one of those novelty pistols that shoot out a little flag that says 'BANG' against the whole of the German armed forces. Quite humorous for a while, but ultimately completely useless," Blackadder replied.   
"Well, what-ho, Blackadder?" Bertie said, finally emerging from his room, "And good morning to your little monkey, as well!"   
"Feeling chipper this morning, sir?" asked Blackadder.  
"Well, yes actually. Aside from being in a house surrounded by people who would like to see me as the subject of a particularly angry lynch mob, I'd say it's looking to be a lovely weekend. The sun is bright! The air, crisp and clean! Nobody banging on my door!" Suddenly, as if on cue, someone knocked lightly on the door. "Well, two out of three isn't bad then, is it?" Blackadder walked to the door and opened it.   
"Hello. I'm here to see Bertie Wooster!" the strange-looking man with dark hair and thick glasses said. "Oh, there you are! Hello, Bertie!" Bertie knew him immediately. It was none other than Augustus Finknottle, better known by his friends as Gussie.   
"What-ho, Gussie, old chum! I didn't expect to see you here at Sir Roderick Spode's birthday. He hates you, doesn't he?" Bertie said.  
"Well, that hasn't stopped you from being here, has it Bertie?" Gussie said.  
"Well, no, I guess you're right. So, what brings you here, Gussie?"  
"Why I'm here with my sister, of course. She is set to marry Stilton Cheesewright, you know," Gussie informed them.   
"Yes, Jeeves told me," said Bertie, "You have my condolences, Gussie. I wouldn't want to have that fool Cheesewright as a brother!"  
"I should hope not, sir," Blackadder put in.  
"Oh, he's really not all that bad, once you get to know him, Bertie," said Gussie, "Say, would you like to meet my sister, Elizabeth?"   
"Well, I don't know, Gussie. Stilton has given me very clear instructions not to go near your sister. More like threats actually, but still I wouldn't want to make him angry again."  
"Oh, pish, Bertie! You're not going to listen to him, now, are you? Come on; let me introduce you to her. You can bring your new valet along if you'd like. And your dog," said Gussie.  
"That's not a dog, Mr. Finknottle," Blackadder corrected him, "It is my servant, Baldrick. And actually, he has work to do here, so he will unfortunately not be joining us."  
"Oh, all right! Let's go then," Gussie said, leading Bertie down the hall. Blackadder stayed behind for a moment.   
"Mr. B., what work did you want me to do while you are gone?" Baldrick asked.  
"Nothing, I just don't want you mucking up my plans! You'll stay here until we return, understood?" Blackadder said.  
"But sir, I'll be bored out of my mind if I stay here all by myself! Please, I need something to do, Mr. B.!"  
"Oh, alright! Try cleaning up the place a bit. You can start with the throwing yourself out the window," Blackadder said, sarcastically, as he left to catch up with the others, which wasn't difficult since Elizabeth's room was on the complete opposite side of the mansion.   
When they finally reached the room, Gussie opened the door, and the three of them entered. "Hello, Elizabeth!" Gussie said, cheerfully, "I want you to meet a good friend of mine, Bertie Wooster!"  
"How do you do, Miss Finknottle?" Bertie said, extending his hand.  
"How do you do?" she replied, "Well, this is just fab! I just love meeting all of Augustus's friends! Although, I must say he doesn't look nearly as lumpy and repulsive as you described, Augustus."  
"No, Elizabeth, that was Tuppy Glossop," Gussie said.  
"Oh, yes, right. Anyway, who's the incredibly handsome man standing behind you, Bertie?" Elizabeth said, with an even more over-enthusiastic tone than her brother.  
Blackadder stepped forward, kneeled down, took Elizabeth's hand, and kissed it gently, saying seductively, "My name is Edmund Blackadder, Miss. Butler to Bertie Wooster, and an incredibly good lover. Or so the ladies in London tell me. And who, ma'am, is this?" Blackadder was motioning towards the short, plump woman who sat at Elizabeth's side.   
"Oh, that's my maid. We call her Nursie. But don't bother talking to her. She's incredibly stupid!" Elizabeth replied, "Do you know what it's like being surrounded by idiots, Mr. Blackadder?"  
"You have no idea, Miss," Blackadder said, starring intently into her eyes.   
Suddenly, Elizabeth's eyes became very wide and she smiled, saying, "Say, would you like to see my collection of rats? They're super fab!"  
"Well, actually..." Blackadder began.  
"Yes," Bertie interrupted, "Of course we would."   
Elizabeth turned to Gussie. "Augustus, do me a favor and go and fetch the large cage from the other room, will you?"   
"Of course," Gussie said, leaving the room quickly.  
"Now that that fool is gone, enough of these pleasantries! I asked him to bring you here for a reason, Bertie," said Elizabeth, no longer in her sugar-sweet voice. "I need you to do something for me! Have you seen the painting that Madeline Bassett is planning to give to Sir Roderick tonight?"  
"His birthday present? Yes, I've seen it. Why?" Bertie asked.  
"I want you to steel it for me!" Elizabeth demanded.  
"Why on Earth would you want that ghastly picture?" Bertie asked.  
"It's not ghastly at all! Haven't you seen it? It looks like a nest of rats! Simply lovely!" Elizabeth said.  
"Are you a nutter or something? It's meant to be a picture of Roderick Spode!" Bertie said.  
"Well, I like it!" Elizabeth said, getting angry now, "And I want it! And I always get what I want!"   
Nursie finally spoke, "Yes, that's certainly true, dear. Why, I remember when you were a baby and you didn't want to learn to use the potty! You would cry for hours at a time! 'But I don't want to go ploppy!' you'd say. 'I want to ploppy in my pants!'"  
"Shut up, Nursie!" said Elizabeth, turning back, "Look, Bertie! I want that painting. And you're going to get it for me!"   
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to refuse, my dear Elizabeth," Bertie said, "My days of stealing paintings, or anything else for that matter, are over. Besides, your fiancŽ would break my spine if he knew I had any connection with you whatsoever. You'll just have to find somebody else to do your dirty work."   
"Let me put it this way, Bertie," she said, in mock politeness. "If you don't get that painting for me, I will tell Stilton that you tried to kiss me right here in my bedroom!"  
"Wha...of all the nerve! Well, I guess I don't have any choice now, do I?" said Bertie.   
"I knew you'd see it my way!" Elizabeth said, sweetly, "Everyone always does."  
"That's true too!" said Nursie, "Your mother and father were so tired of fighting with you, they just let you go ploppy in your pants whenever you wanted. Everywhere we went, people would say, 'What's that smell?' And we'd say, 'It's Lizzie! She doesn't like to go ploppy, you know!'"  
"SHUT UP, NURSIE!" Elizabeth screamed. A moment later, Gussie returned with the cage of rats. "Oh, Augustus! You're back! Bertie, would you like to see my rats?"   
"Actually, Miss Finknottle, I have some work to do. I'll see you a bit later, I suppose. Goodbye, Gussie! Goodbye, Nursie!" Bertie said, making a quick escape with Blackadder. Once in the hallway, Bertie let out a great sigh. "I tell you, Blackadder. Why Stilton would want to marry a woman like that is beyond me! One minute she's as sweet and unbearable as Madeline Bassett and the next minute she's more angry and menacing than Lady Florence Craye. What an absolute nightmare!"  
"I agree, sir," Blackadder said, "But you must admit, she does have an incredibly nice rack! I know I wouldn't mind a few goes with her!"  
"Well...yes...I suppose you have a point there, Blackadder," Bertie said with a confused look. They continued walking down the hallway, completely unaware that they were being followed.   
As Bertie and Blackadder came into the main dining hall, Bertie was saying, "Where is everyone? Surely, they're not all still sleeping!"  
Blackadder strolled around the table and picked up a note. "Sir, I have found a note. It says, 'Out for a game of golf. Please feel free to join us.' Shall we join them, sir?"  
"Yes! By jimbo, why not? I could use some good fun after this latest parade of death threats! Let's go!" said Bertie.  
After the two of them had gone, Jeeves entered the room cautiously, making sure he hadn't been seen. He walked around the table, and quietly crumpled the note and threw it in the garbage. At the moment that Jeeves was about to step outside, Elizabeth and Gussie Finknottle, along with Nursie, came into the room. Elizabeth asked, "Where has everyone gone, Jeeves?"  
"I really couldn't say, Miss," Jeeves lied. 


	8. Chapter 7: Trapped on the Golf Course

Chapter Seven  
  
Trapped on the Golf Course  
  
"Are you any good at golf, Blackadder?" Bertie asked as the pair strolled down the lawn towards the golf course.  
"Not really, sir. I've played a few times, but have never really taken a liking to it," said Blackadder.  
"Ah, well. You'll be pleased to know that your master here is an expert golfer! Yes, the Woosters have long been known for their skills on the golf course. Personally, I'm at my best when using my putter," Bertie said.  
"I'm sure you are, sir," Blackadder replied, resisting making an obvious rude joke. They finally approached the group at the golf course. There, on the course, was Sir Roderick Spode, Sir Watkyn Bassett, Gussie Finknottle, Madeline Bassett, Kevin Darling, and Aunt Agatha.   
"What-ho, everyone!" said Bertie with excitement.  
"Ah, Wooster! So glad you could join us!" said Spode with mock happiness.   
"Hello, Bertie!" said Gussie, "You can team with me! That way we can play in pairs!"   
"No, no! I want to pair up with Wooster!" said Spode.   
"But you're already playing with Sir Watkyn!" said Gussie.  
"Well, it's MY birthday, so I get to decide," Spode demanded.  
"Why don't you just play in threes!" said Aunt Agatha, "Mr. Blackadder and I will sit out and watch. Is that alright with you, Mr. Blackadder?"  
"Yes, of course," Blackadder said. So Bertie was teamed up with his two most unlikely partners, Sir Roderick and Sir Watkyn. He was very displeased with this arrangement, but as they played, he became relieved. Sir Watkyn and Sir Roderick were both extraordinary players, and despite Bertie's failings, their team was doing quite well. Gussie, Madeline, and especially Darling were doing quite dreadfully.  
"What's the matter, Darling?" shouted Spode at one point, "Don't they have golf in France?" He and Sir Watkyn laughed. Bertie was having a grand time. So much so, that he failed to notice Blackadder and Aunt Agatha in deep conversation the entire time.  
When they came to the tenth hole, Gussie called a time out for their team to clear up their strategy. Finally, Bertie would discover why Spode and Watkyn had treated him so nicely. The three of them huddled by a bench, with Blackadder and Aunt Agatha close by.   
"It makes me sick to my stomach watching them!" said Sir Watkyn.  
Bertie glanced at Gussie, Madeline, and Kevin who were huddled several yards away. "I don't see why? We're winning!"  
"I don't care about this blasted game, you fool!" said Sir Watkyn, "It's HIM! I don't want him marrying my daughter! I can't even bear the thought of it!"  
"Why? Because of his silly name?" asked Bertie.  
"It is a girlish name, sir," said Blackadder, "But I think I may understand why Sir Watkyn wouldn't want Darling in his family. He is French, sir."  
"Exactly! I don't want a puffed up Frenchman in my family! Can you imagine it, Roderick?" said Watkyn.  
"Terrible, sir. Terrible!" said Spode, "That's where you come in, Bertie!" Bertie's face showed both utter perplexity and the horror over what he knew must be coming. "We need you to break them up!"  
"What?" asked Bertie.  
"Break them up! Stop their damn fool engagement in its tracks! I'd rather Madeline marry Finknottle than that Frenchman!" said Watkyn.  
"I will not! I will have no part in ruining that poor girl's marriage!" insisted Bertie, overconfidently.  
"You didn't seem to have any problem with ruining her marriage to me!" said Spode, getting very angry.  
"Now, see here, Spode! I will tell you for the last time! That was not my fault! It was that fool, Tuppy Glossop! I will not be made your puppet anymore! Bertram Wooster will not be pushed around by the likes of you," Bertie proclaimed.  
Aunt Agatha approached. "Shut up, Bertie! You will do as you are told! You have the rest of today to break up that marriage! Otherwise, you will be so poor you'll have to ask that wretched creature of a servant of Blackadder's for clothes! Do I make myself clear, Bertie?"   
"Now wait a minute! You never really wanted me here for your birthday at all, did you Spode? You all called me here just to do your dirty work!" said Bertie, outraged. The three of them smiled.   
Watkyn spoke. "But of course, being the fool that you are, you went and fired the best valet in London, and now he's working for that Frenchman. We all know he was the clever one. He was the one who could come up with a perfect scheme to separate Madeline from that frog. Now, we must rely on a complete nitwit to save my daughter!"  
"I beg your pardon? I'll have you know, that Jeeves wasn't always the brains behi..."  
But Aunt Agatha interrupted Bertie, "Do not worry, Sir Watkyn. I have been chatting with Mr. Blackadder here. It seems he's quite a clever man himself. Perhaps even more cunning than Jeeves."  
"Madame, with all due respect," Blackadder began, "a chimpanzee who had recently been stabbed in the head by a sharp spear and subsequently had to have his brain replaced by a baked potato would be more cunning than Reginald Jeeves. I've seen more clever cockroaches in the basement of my last master. But in all seriousness, you are looking at one of the most cunning minds in all of England. No man alive or dead could ever hope to match the sheer wit, resourcefulness, and brilliance of Edmund Blackadder."  
"So, you can help Wooster break up the marriage?" said a hopeful Spode.  
"Sir, even as we speak a plan is forming in my mind that is sharp enough to skin a cat," Blackadder promised. 


	9. Chapter 8: A Cunning Plan

Chapter Eight  
  
A Cunning Plan  
  
As the two walked up to their room alone, Bertie asked, "So, Blackadder, what's the plan?"  
"I haven't got one," said Blackadder.  
Bertie stopped walking, looking stunned. "But you said you had one back at the golf course! Something about a baked potato and skinning a cat, if I'm not mistaken. So, how exactly are we going to skin this cat?"  
"We're not skinning any cat!" said Blackadder.  
"Right! A chimpanzee, then. Should I get a knife from the kitchen?" said Bertie.  
"We're not skinning anything!" Blackadder said, frustrated.  
"Well, I suppose you're right! Wouldn't want to hurt any poor animals. How about the potato, then? We can skin that and nobody would get hurt!" Bertie said.  
"Look, Master Mini-Brain, that was a metaphor!"   
"A what?" said Bertie, confused.  
"A metaphor. A simile. An analogy."   
"Anal-ogy?" said Bertie, "What's that? Some sort of perverted new science?"   
"It's not science."  
"Well, whatever it is it sounds a bit rude if you ask me!"  
Blackadder looked positively disgusted at having to deal with such idiocy. "Never mind! The point is I haven't got any plan for breaking them up! I was bluffing!"  
"Bluffing? Why?"  
"Because although Sir Watkyn and Spode may be as thick as a pot of Baldrick's coffee, they're smart enough to realize that without a plan to break up that marriage, we are about as useless to them as a boxful of porn and a bottle of lotion is to a eunuch. They'd toss us out like an old bag of moldy tangerines if they knew we didn't have a plan. And I for one am getting quite used to living at Totleigh Towers."  
"So, what are we going to do?" Bertie asked.  
"Well, we'll have to think of something! And think it up quick! We have until tonight at Sir Roderick's birthday party to get rid of Darling." They walked into their room.   
Blackadder looked around. "Baldrick!" No one answered. "Baldrick!" Still nothing. "Damn! I told him to stay here!" At that moment, Baldrick entered the room. "Where have you been?"  
"Out enjoying the morning air, Mr. B!" said Baldrick, "And you'll never believe what I found in the basement!"   
"Baldrick, I have no interest in your latest cob-web discovery! We have work to do! Master Wooster is in a terrible pickle, and I need to get him out!" said Blackadder.  
Baldrick looked at Bertie. Then he lightly pressed his hands around Bertie's chest. "He doesn't feel like a pickle, Mr. B."  
Blackadder rolled his eyes, then looking up said, "What have I done, God, to deserve to be constantly surrounded by total prats?" He turned back to Baldrick, "We have a problem, Baldrick. Two problems actually," Blackadder corrected himself; suddenly remembering that Lady Elizabeth Finknottle demanded that Bertie steal the painting of Spode. He explained the whole mess to Baldrick. He explained how Elizabeth threatened Bertie and how they must know steal that horrid picture that Madeline and Kevin plan to give to Spode for his birthday. He explained how Spode, Watkyn, and Aunt Agatha had ganged up on Bertie during the golf game. He explained how they threatened him as well. He explained how they wanted him to break up the wedding of Madeline and Kevin. And he explained how he had lied about having a plan to guarantee their stay at Totleigh.   
After all of that, Bertie was pacing the floor, his face covered in sweat, and his mind a bundle of nerves. "What are we going to do? I'm sunk! I'm positively sunk! Either I steal that painting and have Spode and the police after me! Or I don't steal the painting and have Stilton Cheesewright break my spine! And then there's the matter of breaking of poor Madeline's wedding! She'll hate me! What are we going to do?" Bertie said, more nervous than he could ever remember. "I really wish Jeeves were here!"  
"Nonsense!" Blackadder demanded, "We can figure this out without that fool, Jeeves!"   
"But how?" Bertie asked. Blackadder said nothing.  
"Sir," Baldrick said calmly, "I have a cunning plan that will solve all your problems!"  
Bertie's eyes and face relaxed. A smile broke out on his face and he let himself fall into the sofa. "Ah, well, what a relief! That's settled!"  
"I wouldn't get too excited, sir," said Blackadder, "Baldrick's idea of a cunning plan will no doubt be the stupidest idea since the American Indians said, 'These white men are probably very kind people! Let's invite them into our homes and make them a great big feast! I'm sure they won't slaughter us and take our land!'"   
"This one really is cunning, Mr. B!" said Blackadder.  
"Really? It doesn't happen to involve the three of us dressing up like pigeons, does it?" Blackadder said.  
"Why yes, sir, it does! How'd you know?" Baldrick asked, looking completely stunned.   
"Because, Baldrick, your last six 'cunning plans' have all involved us dressing as pigeons!" said Blackadder.  
"Now, now, Blackadder! He may be as ugly and smelly as a French bulldog, but I'd like to hear what he has to say!" said Bertie.  
"Thank you, sir!" said Baldrick.  
"Very well! What's your brilliant plan, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.   
"Well, Mr. B., we have to get that painting for Lady Elizabeth, and we have to break up Mr. Darling and Miss Bassett's wedding, right?" Baldrick started, "Well, how about we dress up like pigeons? Then, we sneak into Mr. Darling's room when no one's looking and swap the painting of Sir Roderick with a different painting of Sir Roderick in a compromising position. Then, we give the real painting to Lady Elizabeth. When Mr. Darling gives Sir Roderick his present, everyone will be so disgusted that they'll kick Mr. Darling out of the mansion and Miss Bassett will break off her engagement to him! Then, everybody is happy!"  
"Oh, come now, Baldrick!" yelled Bertie, "What a foolish idea that is! Blackadder was right! You wouldn't know a cunning plan if it lived in your trousers!"  
"Oh," said Baldrick, looking saddened.  
"Actually," said Blackadder, "Aside from the dressing up as pigeons bit, that's not a bad plan at all! It solves both of your problems quite nicely. The only problem, Baldrick, is how will we manage to paint a portrait of Spode in such a short amount of time? After all, his party is tonight."  
"Hmm. That is a tough one, Blackie!" said Bertie.  
"Well, Mr. B, we could use the one that I found in the basement," Baldrick said.  
Blackadder turned to Baldrick. "What?"  
"Well, that's what I was trying to tell you before! While I was throwing out the trash, I got lost and ended up in the basement. That's where I found an amazing portrait of Sir Roderick in a very compromising position," Baldrick explained.   
"Well, I must say, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "You've proven me wrong. That is an incredibly cunning plan. And it just might work! Sir, what do you think?"   
"Well, I say let's do it!" said Bertie.  
"Right! But first we'd better have a look at this painting you found, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "Take us to it."   
"Take you to what, sir?" Baldrick asked.  
"To the painting," Blackadder said, annoyed.  
"But I told you, I don't know where it is! I only stumbled on it by accident anyway because I was lost! I won't be able to find it again!" Baldrick said.  
"Baldrick, you'd better find it or else the tip of my shoe will 'accidentally stumble upon' your genitalia!" Blackadder demanded.  
"Yes, sir, Mr. B!" Baldrick said, leading the pair out the door and starting down the hallway. 


	10. Chapter 9: The Other Painting

Chapter Nine  
  
The Other Painting  
  
After walking what seemed like a mile to Bertie, finally, they came to the painting in the basement. It was a well-lit portrait of Sir Roderick, nude and in a very disturbing position. Bertie's face showed total disgust. "Who on Earth would draw such a thing? You sure you don't know who painted it, Baldrick?"  
"No, sir! It was just sitting in here when I stumbled upon it," Baldrick answered.   
"Who is that other person in the picture?" Bertie asked.  
Blackadder answered, "If I'm not mistaken, sir, I believe that that is none other than..." A loud crash interrupted Blackadder. They quickly covered the painting with a nearby sheet and headed towards the noise. A figure was moving towards them in the darkness. They could not tell who it was. Blackadder whispered, "Not a word about this, Baldrick! Do you understand?"  
"Yes, sir, Mr. B," said Baldrick.   
A voice emerged from the darkness. "Bertie, is that you down there? I need to speak with you," it said. There could be no mistake that that high-pitched flowery voice belonged to Miss Madeline Bassett.   
Bertie stood, silent.   
"Say something!" Blackadder whispered. But Bertie just stood there silently. Blackadder nudged him hard in the side with his elbow.   
"Ow! Ah, I mean, yes! What-ho, Madeline?" Bertie stammered.  
"What are you doing down there, Bertie?" Madeline asked.  
"I was...ah..." Bertie struggled to think of a good cover, "I was hiding Spode's birthday present! Wouldn't want him to snoop around in my room and find it, now would I?"  
"Oh! That is so clever, Bertie!" screeched Madeline, stepping forward, "May I see it?"  
"No!" Bertie yelled, panicking.   
"Why not?" Madeline asked.  
Suddenly a glass neck slid into Bertie's hand. "I mean, yes! Here it is, Madeline! A wonderful bottle of fine French wine!" He showed the bottle to Madeline, stepping out of the darkness.   
"Oh that is nice, Bertie!" said Madeline. Then, switching tones, she said, "Bertie, I need to speak with you. Come take a walk with me, will you?"   
"Ah, yes, Madeline. Just let me return the bottle to its hiding spot," Bertie said, making his way back to the painting, Blackadder, and Baldrick. He whispered, "Here, Blackadder. You take the wine bottle and the painting up to the room. I'll meet you up there in an hour and we can go and swap the paintings."   
"Very good, sir," said Blackadder, "I shall do my best to find a way to distract Darling and get him out of his room long enough for us to make the switch. You handle Miss Bassett." Blackadder handed the bottle of wine to Baldrick to carry.   
"Alright! I'll see you all later," Bertie said, leaving to go walk with Madeline. Blackadder and Baldrick remained behind.   
Blackadder starred at Baldrick. "Balders, that was truly an exceptionally cunning plan, I must say," he said.  
"Well, thank you Mr. B. I was most proud of it myself."  
"Yes. You've never really had a great thought before have you?"  
"Well, there was the time when Master Flashheart's doorbell was broken and I used his cat to replace it!"   
"Yes, but I mean other than plans which result in the brutal murder of innocent household pets," Blackadder sneered, "In fact, Balders, this was the first time you've ever had an intelligent thought in your entire life."  
"My mum would be so proud!"  
Blackadder suddenly stood up straight and grabbed Baldrick's collar, "Oh, can it, Baldrick! I know you couldn't possibly have come up with that plan all by yourself! It's too cunning, even for me!"  
"Well, I did have a bit of help, sir."  
"From whom?"   
"I can't tell you, Mr. B! I've been sworn to celibacy!"  
"That's what every poor slob who can't get any says, Baldrick! But what does that have to do with anything?"  
"I can't tell you, Mr. B! I promised!"  
"Oh, you mean secrecy!"  
"Yes, sir! I've been sworn to secrecy! I can't tell!"  
"Baldrick, let me put it this way," Blackadder said, taking the bottle of wine from Baldrick, "If you don't tell me where you got that plan from, I will give you enough material to write a four hundred page book entitled, '1,000 Things to Do with a Bottle that Don't Involve Drinking!' Now, who helped you with that plan, Baldrick?"  
Baldrick gulped. He knew he couldn't refuse now. "This way, Mr. B." He led Blackadder out of the basement.   
  
****  
  
Outside Totleigh Towers, Bertie Wooster and Madeline Bassett strolled along the grass. "Aren't the flowers pretty today, Bertie?" Madeline asked.  
"Well, yes, I suppose," Bertie replied.  
"Wouldn't it be nice if we could be flowers, Bertie? Just sitting out in the sun all day without a care in the world!"   
"Well, except someone stepping on them, I suppose," Bertie joked.   
"Oh, Bertie!" Madeline said, looking sad, "That must be how you're feeling, isn't it?"  
Bertie was as confused as ever. "What?' Madeline led them to a bench and they sat down.   
"You don't have to hide your feelings from me, Bertie! I know it must be torture for you!"  
"But I don't even..."  
"You don't have to explain, Bertie. I know," Madeline interrupted, "First I am set to marry Augustus, then Sir Roderick, and then when you thought you had finally won me, I become engaged to Kevin Darling!"  
Suddenly Bertie understood. Madeline was once again under the grand delusion that he, Bertie, was secretly infatuated with her. "Now, Madeline..."  
She interrupted him again, "You don't need to say it, Bertie! I know how I've hurt you! But please don't take it personally. Yes, I am in love with Kevin Darling, and we are getting married. But Bertie, if by some unfortunate disaster our engagement is cut off, I promise that I will be all yours! I promise you, Bertie!"   
"Well, I...uh..." Bertie tried to say something, but Madeline planted a kiss on his cheek and headed back to the house, leaving Bertie alone to contemplate what had just happened. After sitting out there for quite a while, suddenly it hit him. He sat up with a start. If he went ahead with Baldrick's plan, Kevin Darling would be out of Madeline's life. That would leave Bertie stuck with the daunting task of marrying Madeline. There would be no way out of it! And if he didn't go ahead with the plan, he would have to face Spode, Watkyn, and Aunt Agatha, not to mention Stilton Cheesewright. This was a terrible mess. He would have to talk with Blackadder about this immediately. He got up off the bench and headed towards the back porch. There, he found his old valet, Jeeves cleaning up.   
"Hello, sir," Jeeves said.  
"Hello, Jeeves," said Bertie in a sullen tone.  
"What seems to be the matter, sir?" Jeeves asked.  
"Women, Jeeves!"  
"Sir?"  
"Miss Madeline Bassett has once again got it into her head that yours truly is madly in love with her!"  
"Oh, dear, sir. Surely, that's not a problem now that she's engaged to Mr. Darling, sir."  
"Yes, well, she won't be for much longer, Jeeves."  
"Sir?"  
"Well, I probably shouldn't tell you, Jeeves. You being his valet and all."  
"Very well, sir, but I can be quite trustworthy, sir. I wouldn't tell him."  
"Aunt Agatha and Spode. They called me here just to work out a scheme to break up your new master and Miss Bassett. That's why they were so insistent on me being here, Jeeves."  
"Oh, dear. How upsetting, sir."  
"And now, if I break them up, I'll be stuck engaged to that ninny again!"   
"Most distressing, sir. I do wish I could lend you some assistance, but unfortunately I am..."  
"Yes, I know, Jeeves. You are no longer my valet. Darling is your master now. I understand."  
"Yes, sir."  
"Well, maybe old Blackadder can get me out of this," Bertie said.  
"I do hope so, sir," said Jeeves.  
"Well, I'll see you tonight at the party, Jeeves," Bertie said, turning to head in.  
"I look forward to it immensely, sir," Jeeves said. When Bertie was inside and out of sight, Jeeves sat down at a table. He took a pencil out of his pocket along with a telegram. At the top, he wrote "Michael Kranton, Ganymede Club." He turned it over and began writing his message. 


	11. Chapter 10: Operation Switcheroo

Chapter Ten  
  
Operation Switcheroo  
  
Bertie came into the room to find Blackadder setting the bottle of wine on the table by Bertie's bed. "Well, Blackie, we've got a serious problem. I don't know if..."  
"You're bloody well right, we do!" Blackadder interrupted, "We only have a very short window of opportunity! I told Darling that there's a massive special on puffy shirts in town. As soon as he's discovered that I've misled him, he'll be back here. We need to swap those paintings before he gets back!"  
Forgetting about the trouble with Madeline, Bertie said, "Right! Well, at least let me get into my suit so I'll be ready for the party!" Bertie went into his room and moments later emerged wearing the same yellow and blue striped suit that Jeeves had scoffed at a few days earlier. Blackadder rolled his eyes, but knew better than to say anything. Bertie said, "Let's go! Wait! Where's Baldrick?" The door to the bathroom opened, and Baldrick emerged with a gray rug tied around his body, a yellow, plastic funnel secured to his face, and a hat full of feathers sitting on his head.   
Blackadder looked at him, utterly annoyed. "Explain."  
"It's my pigeon costume, Mr. B!" said Baldrick through the funnel.  
"Of course!" Blackadder said, sarcastically. "Look, git! Take that stupid thing off! We don't need to be dressed like pigeons to switch a couple of paintings. Besides, that pathetic disguise wouldn't fool the stupidest man on the planet, Baldrick!"  
"Oh..." said Bertie with amazement, "That was Baldrick? I had no idea! Good show, Balders!"  
"I stand corrected," Blackadder admitted, rolling his eyes in disgust. "Come on, let's go!" Blackadder grabbed the painting, which was now wrapped securely in brown paper and covered in a white sheet in case anybody spotted them in the hallways. Bertie and Baldrick followed in their ridiculous costumes.   
  
****  
  
In the living room, Gussie Finknottle sat talking with Sir Roderick and Stilton Cheesewright, when Jeeves approached him and whispered in his ear. At the whispering, Gussie got up, saying, "Excuse me, gentlemen, but there's something I must take care of. I'll see you all later." Gussie got up and left the room, leaving Spode and Stilton alone.   
After Jeeves had left the room as well, Stilton said, "I wonder what that was all about." Spode looked disinterested. "I'll bet it has something to do with that fool, Wooster"   
  
****  
  
Blackadder reached behind the dresser and pulled out the wrapped portrait. Bertie took the painting from him and gave him the one that Baldrick had found in the basement. Wrapping the actual painting in the white sheet, Bertie headed to the door, followed by Baldrick and Blackadder. Before he exited, he handed the painting to Baldrick to carry so that Bertie could have peak in the hallway. "All's clear!" said Bertie.  
"Well, that went easier than we planned it! Good job, Baldrick! A superb plan, that one!" said Blackadder. "Now, let's just get this thing to Lady Elizabeth, shall we?" They headed down the hallway. From the opposite direction, they heard someone call.  
"Bertie! I need to speak with you!" called Gussie Finknottle. It was easy for Gussie to spot Bertie in the colorfully odd outfit.   
"Blast! We can't let him see the painting, Blackadder!" Bertie said. Blackadder said, "Just pretend you didn't hear him and let's hurry!" Walking at a quick pace now, they walked down the hallway and turned the corner. They came to a point in the hall that broke into two separate hallways; one leading left to Bertie's room and the other leading right to Lady Elizabeth's room. Blackadder looked at Bertie and Baldrick. "You two go down to Lady Elizabeth's room and giver her the painting. I'll hold off Finknottle!" And so they did.   
As Gussie rounded the corner, he caught a glimpse of Bertie's bizarre outfit again. "Excuse me, Mr. Blackadder, why is Bertie in such a hurry?"  
"I couldn't say, sir," Blackadder lied, "Perhaps I can help you?"  
"Well, no. Jeeves said that Bertie needed to see me immediately."  
"Oh, he did, did he?" Blackadder said in an irritated voice, "Well, if you see that blasted fool again you can tell him that he'd better stop sticking his nose where it doesn't belong unless he wants me to shove a chandelier so far up his nose that you could stick a handle on his head and use him as a lantern!"  
"Well, if you'll excuse me, I really need to speak with Bertie," said Gussie, continuing on.  
Meanwhile, Bertie and Baldrick had reached Lady Elizabeth's room. "You'd better go in there yourself, Baldrick. I can't be seen with Lady Elizabeth or Stilton will have my neck!"   
Baldrick knocked on the door, while Bertie stood out of sight. Lady Elizabeth opened the door. "Oh! You've brought the painting! Quick, bring it in before someone sees you!" Inside the room, she took the painting from Baldrick and unwrapped it. "Oh, it's even more wonderful up close! Thank you so much, Mr...."  
"Baldrick, Miss," Baldrick said.   
"It's absolutely marvelous, Baldrick! It looks just like a pile of cutesy little rats on an itty-bitty hill, doesn't it? I just love rats, don't you?" Elizabeth asked.  
"Yes, actually. Some of my best friends are rats," said Baldrick.  
Elizabeth giggled an inanely stupid giggle. "Oh, you're funny, Baldrick! And you're incredibly brave for stealing this picture for me all by yourself!"  
"Well, actually..." Baldrick started, interrupted by the entrance of Nursie from another room.  
"Oh! What's that? A giant pigeon?" Nursie said, pointing at Baldrick.  
"It's my brave knight, Baldrick, Nursie," said Elizabeth. She turned to Baldrick. "Isn't Nursie stupid, Baldrick?"  
"Yes, she is, Miss. It's nice to have someone around who's stupider than me," Baldrick answered.   
  
Outside the room, Bertie heard footsteps coming toward him, and a call from Gussie, "Bertie?" He sounded like he was just around the corner now. Bertie couldn't let him see him. He would not be able to explain what he was doing there. Bertie turned around. He was at the end of the hallway. There was nowhere to turn. Suddenly, Jeeves emerged from the study that was on the opposite side of the hallway from Elizabeth's room.   
Bertie whispered, "Jeeves, I need to get out of here! What should I do?" Jeeves said nothing, but motioned towards the window. "Of course!" said Bertie. He quickly went to the window and climbed out to the ledge. There was just enough of a ledge that he would be able to safely make his way across the side of the building and to his own room.   
  
Back in the hallway, Gussie came down the hallway to find Jeeves standing near the door to the study. Gussie said, "Jeeves, did you see where Bertie went?" Jeeves motioned again, without speaking. This time, he pointed to the door of Elizabeth Finknottle's room. "He's in my sister's room?" Jeeves nodded.   
Inside the room, Elizabeth was saying, "Oh, Baldrick!" Gussie put his ear to the door. "You are so much funnier than old Stilton. He's always so grouchy! But you! You are brave and strong and incredibly funny! And you like rats as much as I do! In fact, I think I think I would like to marry you instead of that stupid loud mouth, Stilton! Yes, that's what I'll do! However, I do insist that you get rid of that ridiculous costume!" Of course, Elizabeth was referring to Baldrick's pigeon costume, but Gussie, who had spotted Bertie's blue and yellow striped suit, immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. He pulled his ear from the door and headed back down the way he came. Jeeves watched him go, with a smug smirk planted on his face. Meanwhile, Bertie continued to make his way across the ledge to his own room.   
Blackadder rounded the corner and confronted Jeeves. "So, are you enjoying yourself?" he demanded.  
"I don't know what you mean, Blackadder," said Jeeves.   
"You know damn well what I mean, Jeeves! You sent that newt-fancier up here so he would catch us, didn't you?" Blackadder said.  
"That would appear to be the case, wouldn't it, Blackadder," Jeeves replied.  
"Don't be smug with me! I know all your little tricks, Jeeves! You may fool the rest of these gits, but to me you're about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside!" Blackadder stopped and looked around. "Where's that fool, Wooster?"  
"By now, he should be nearing his room from the ledge just outside this window," Jeeves said.   
"WOOSTER!" They heard the call of a very angry Stilton Cheesewright. Though Stilton was far off, he sounded as if he had taken up permanent residence inside Blackadder's ear.   
"Oh my god! Baldrick!" Blackadder knocked on the door to Lady Elizabeth's door. When it opened, he grabbed Baldrick and dragged him out and down the hall towards Bertie's room. They were quick enough to round the corner just in time to miss Stilton. A moment later, Stilton came storming down the hallway toward Jeeves.   
"Where's Wooster?" he demanded.   
"I'm afraid that you just missed him, sir," said Jeeves as calmly as ever, "He has just retreated back to his room." With that, Stilton reversed direction and hurried down the hallway towards Bertie's room. Jeeves smiled broadly now. Mission accomplished, he thought.   
  
On the ledge, just outside his bedroom, Bertie clambered to reach the window. His fingertips could touch the windowsill, but he couldn't get a grip enough to pull himself up. He perched one foot on a crack in the wall and tried to climb a little bit higher, just high enough to grab onto the windowsill. Just as he had grabbed on, his foot slipped along with his hands and he had to struggle to keep from falling off the ledge entirely. A dog emerged from around the corner. One of Sir Watkyn's basset hounds. The dog looked up at Bertie and barked. Panicked, Bertie called down to the dog, "Shut up, you stupid mutt!"  
Inside Bertie's room the door shook with the ferocious pound of Stilton Cheesewright's fist. Blackadder said, "Baldrick, get this mess cleaned up!" Baldrick scrambled to gather his pigeon costume and set them next to the bottle of wine for Spode into Bertie's bedroom.   
"Shut up, stupid dog!" is what Baldrick heard coming from the window. He made his way to the window, as the pounding on the door became stronger. He saw Bertie Wooster trying desperately to reach the window.   
"Hold on, Mr. Wooster!" said Baldrick, "I'll get Mr. B!" Baldrick left the bedroom, leaving Bertie hanging on for his life.   
"YOU'D BETTER OPEN THIS DOOR, BERTIE! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" Stilton hollered through the door.   
"I'm very sorry, sir, but Mr. Wooster is not in his room at the moment," Blackadder said through the door.   
"Don't play mind games with me, Blackadder! Jeeves told me he saw Bertie come back this way!" Stilton demanded, "Now open up!"  
Baldrick tugged on Blackadder's sleeve, "Actually, Mr. B, Mr. Wooster is right outside the window."   
"He's what?" Blackadder said, moving across the room and into Bertie's bedroom.   
Finally, Bertie had a firm grip on the windowsill. The dog below growled, but Bertie didn't pay it any attention as he pulled one arm and then the other up to the window. He hung right in front of the window now. As he reached his right leg up, the window shut quickly, causing Bertie to lose balance and fall, back first, into the bushes below. Inside, Blackadder heard the furious growl of the dog and the faint scream of the Wooster. He closed and locked the window securely, fastening it with a pad lock, before returning to the door.   
"LET ME IN!" Stilton called. A moment later, Blackadder opened the door, casually.   
"May I be of service, Mr. Cheesewright?" Blackadder said.   
"Where is he? Where is that Wooster? I'll kill him! Where is he?" Stilton demanded.   
"Well," said Blackadder, "Actually, he's in his bedroom, taking a nap." Blackadder pointed to the bedroom. Without hesitation, Stilton barged into the bedroom. Pulling back the covers from the bed, he saw a gray rug, a yellow funnel, and a hat of feathers. He stood stupefied for a moment, and then proceeded to check the closets in the room. Meanwhile, Blackadder shut the door and locked it quickly and quietly enough that Stilton didn't realize he had been locked in until a few minutes later.   
"Mr. B, why did you lock Mr. Cheesewright in the bedroom?" asked Baldrick. "Because, Baldrick, that man is just mad enough to blow our whole plan!" Blackadder explained, "I haven't seen a man that mad since Mad Mooney, the Mad Madman from Madagascar. We'll just keep him locked up until after the party tonight. Then, we'll let him out and make a run for it! I for one can't wait to get out of this mansion. This place is filled with more nuts than the Wesley twins on Christmas Day." 


	12. Chapter 11: Nursie's Polecat

Chapter 11  
  
Nursie's Polecat  
  
The small, gray car pulled up to the curb and stopped abruptly. A thin boy, who looked no more than 20 years old stepped out of the car and entered the Ganymede Club. Mrs. Miggins stopped the boy in his tracks.   
"Ah, Bob! How good to see you again! Are you doing well?" Mrs. Miggins asked.  
"Ah...yes!" said Bob.   
"Well, how's about you entering my contest, then? All the men in the club are entering! The grand prize is 10,000 pounds!" Mrs. Miggins said.  
"Well, no actually, I can't. I'm here to see Mr. Kranton," Bob said.  
"Oh, yes, he's just in the other room, Bob," said Mrs. M. Without even a thank you, Bob went off into the other room to find Mr. Kranton talking with some chums of his.   
"Mr. Kranton," Bob said, pulling him away from the others, "This telegram came for you. It looks quite important." He handed Mr. Kranton the telegram.   
Michael Kranton read the telegram twice before reacting. "This is indeed a dire situation," he said, "Bob, I want you to take the car to this address." Kranton jotted an address down on the back of the telegram and handed it to Bob. "Tell him it's urgent and that he must come with you!"  
"Yes, sir, Mr. Kranton," said Bob and he made a quick exit and started down the road.   
  
****  
  
There was a knock at the door. Blackadder opened it to see Bertie Wooster, covered in mud and his new suit ripped to shreds. He had a very angry look on his face. "Do you know what happened to me, Blackadder?"  
"Yes, sir, I believe I have a faint idea," Blackadder replied.  
"No, Blackadder, I don't think you do! You see, when you shut that window on my face you sent me falling into a thorny bush, surrounded by two snarling, mangy Bassett hounds. I'm lucky to have gotten out alive, Mr. Thicky!" Bertie yelled.  
"I'm very sorry, sir, but..." Blackadder began.  
"Well, you bally well should be sorry, Mr. Black-Thicko! If I had wanted a valet who would try to have me killed I would have hired a German! Or better yet, that fool, Stilton Cheesewright!"   
"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" yelled a very loud man from behind Bertie's bedroom door.  
Bertie looked at the door then at Blackadder, "Is that Stilton in there?"  
"Yes, sir. He had come in here to kill you, so I took the liberty of locking him in your room to save your life. I had to shut the window to prevent him from attacking you, sir. If you'd like, I can open the door and let him out," Blackadder said.  
"No, no. Well, I guess I owe you an apology, Blackie. I didn't know you were trying to save your wonderful master's life," Bertie said.  
"No, sir, an apology is not necessary. All I desire is your safety," Blackadder lied, "Unless of course my heroic deeds might be worthy of a raise."  
Bertie thought for a minute, and then said, "Well...yes, I suppose that's in order. All right! Time to get ready for Spode's birthday! Guess I'll go and wash up, then."  
"The water in our room doesn't work, sir. Remember? You will have to go to the other guest room down the hall," Blackadder said.  
"Oh, yes. Blast that stupid git, Tuppy, and his stupid Plumbo-Jumbo," Bertie said, "I'll be down the hall if you need me." With that, he left again.  
Baldrick came out of the bathroom, dressed in a clean, pressed, brand-new black suit and tie. He was clean-shaven for the first time in his life. Blackadder looked shocked. "Baldrick? Where did you get that suit?"  
"One of the butlers lent it to me, Mr. B," he replied, "I want to look nice for the party tonight."  
"What makes you think you're coming? The last thing Sir Roderick needs at his birthday party is a complete prat who smells like he's just finished navigating his way out of a hippopotamus' bottom. What a disaster it would be if when he inhales some air with which to blow out his birthday candles, he sucks in some of your body odor and subsequently dies on his own birthday!"  
"Oh, please, let me go sir! It's going to be so much fun!"  
"No it isn't, Baldrick."  
"What, you're not looking forward to it?"  
"Not at all. It's going to be about as much fun as sitting through Reverend Melchett's three-hour sermon about how we're all going to roast in hell for the twenty-seventh time, only to discover that I've forgotten to hide my copy of 'The Best of French Pornography' in the pages of my bible. Why are you so keen on going anyway?" Baldrick just stood there with an inane grin on his face. "Oh, no. Don't tell me!"  
"It's Lady Elizabeth, sir! She's the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm in love with her and I want to marry her!"   
Blackadder rolled his eyes. "Oh, god! Baldrick, you have about as much of a chance with Lady Elizabeth as I have of becoming Pope."  
"Why do you say that?"  
"You mean apart from the fact that you're a complete prat? Besides, Baldrick, even if by some miracle, Lady Elizabeth poked a fork in each of her eyes, had her nose chopped off, and went completely mad enough to fall in love with you, Stilton Cheesewright would kill you if you even looked at her!"   
"But sir, he doesn't know my secret weapon!"  
"Ah, yes, Baldrick. How could I forget? You have a stench powerful enough to wipe out the entire German army. Stilton is no match for that sort of..." He paused. "Hang on! That gives me an idea! Baldrick, I've got a plan and it's so cunning you could stick a motor on it and use it to mow the lawn!"  
  
****  
  
Elsewhere in the mansion, Kevin Darling and Madeline Bassett had just returned. Darling was looking most perturbed by being made to drive all the way into town only to discover no puffy shirts whatsoever. "Jeeves!" he called as he saw his valet round the corner of the hallway.  
"Welcome back, sir. How can I be of service to you?" said Jeeves.  
"Well, you can tell me where that fool, Blackadder is, for starters! He told me there was a special on puffy shirts in town, and do you know what I did?"  
"I'd venture to guess that you drove all the way into town and found that you had been lied to, sir," said Jeeves.  
"Yes, that's exactly what happened! Where is that little good-for-nothing?"   
"As I have told you, sir, you can not trust Mr. Blackadder. He is a vile, disgusting liar and a cheat! As much as I'd like to see you kick him out of this mansion, I'm afraid Sir Roderick's party is starting in just a half hour. We need to get you and your dear fiancŽe ready, sir," Jeeves said.  
"Well, alright, I suppose you're right," said Darling, "We'll have to hold off on the maiming for now."  
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves, as the three proceeded down the hall.   
  
Gussie Finknottle knocked on his sister's door. Nursie opened. "Oh, Lizzie, it's that handsome chap with the glasses!" she said.  
Elizabeth came to the door, "You mean my brother, Nursie?"   
"Oh, yes! That's right!" said Nursie.  
"Are you ready, Elizabeth?" Gussie asked.  
"Well, no actually! I can't seem to find Stilton anywhere! It's like he's vanished!" said Elizabeth.   
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time something of yours had disappeared, now would it?" said Nursie, "I remember when you were a toddler you would always take off your clothes out in public for everyone to see! Always flashing the little boys at school and at the playground, you were. It's a good thing you don't do that anymore, or else..."  
"Shut up, Nursie!" Elizabeth said, "Anyway, I don't really care where that fool, prat Stilton is. I've found a much funnier, more handsome fiancŽ anyway!"   
"Oh, no, Elizabeth! Not Bertie!" said Gussie.  
"No, of course not Bertie! He's a silly, soggy-brained git! I'm talking about his butler's servant, Baldrick. He's so wonderful, Gussie!" Elizabeth said.  
"Well, if you say so, Elizabeth. Anyway, we'd better get going. Do you have your present for Spode?" Gussie asked, holding a small, wrapped box in his hand.  
"Yes," said Elizabeth, retrieving a wrapped book from her table. "It's a book on modern British government." Jeeves, Madeline, and Kevin were approaching from down the hall.  
"I, too, have a present for Sir Roderick," said Nursie, as she pulled a small wooden statue of a polecat out of a bag.   
"What is that?" said Elizabeth.  
"Why it's a polecat of course!" said Nursie.  
"A what?" said Elizabeth.  
"It's a polecat, miss," said Jeeves, stopping to help, "From the genus, 'mustela vormela,' the polecat is an animal related to but larger than the weasel. It can be found primarily in the woodlands of Europe, Asia, and North Africa. It is most easily identified by its brown fur and foul odor it emits when disturbed."   
"And why on Earth do you think Sir Roderick wants a statue of that thing?" said Elizabeth, annoyed.  
"Well, mum, you said he fancies polecats!" said Nursie.  
"No, I didn't, Nursie,"   
"Of course you did! You said he's very keen on polecats and once even ran for polecat office!" Nursie insisted.  
"Politics, Nursie! Not polecats!" said Elizabeth, rolling her eyes.  
"Oh," said Nursie.  
"Nursie, you are as thick as..." Elizabeth stopped, trying desperately to come up with a suitable insult. "Jeeves, what is Nursie as thick as?"  
"Well, miss, are you familiar with the animal, balaenoptera musculus? It is a marine animal with grooves along the throat that migrates between polar and equatorial seas. Weighing approximately 143.3 tons, and also known as the blue whale, it is the largest and heaviest animal known to man. The fin whale, or finback as it's often referred, is a baleen whale known for its prominent dorsal fin. Although nowhere near the incredible weight of the blue whale, it comes in at a striking 49.6 tons. If it were possible to cross breed such different animals, they would likely produce a very, large, wide animal, indeed. Capturing such an animal would require a craft of such enormous width and strength that has never before been built by man. I would venture to say that Nursie is as thick as that very craft, miss," Jeeves answered.  
"Yes," Elizabeth said, looking very confused, "Well...we'd better get going to that party now." They all continued down the hallway and to the main hall. Nobody, however, noticed that Jeeves had departed from the group. 


	13. Chapter 12: Happy Birthday, Spode!

Chapter 12  
  
Happy Birthday, Spode!  
  
Bertie came back into the room, dressed in his best suit. "So, are we all ready to go, then?" he asked.  
"Indeed we are, sir!" said Blackadder. With that, they all headed down the hallway. At the turn in the hall, they found a large group of guests also heading down to the party. Gussie and Elizabeth Finknottle, Nursie, Madeline Bassett, and Kevin Darling, who was carrying a large, flat package that Bertie recognized immediately as the painting that he had snuck into Darling's room.   
"Bertie," said Elizabeth, "Have you seen Stilton anywhere?"  
Bertie began, "Well, yes, actually, he's just back in..." He stopped abruptly with a jab in the side from Blackadder's elbow. "Oh, Stilton? No, no, I haven't seen him anywhere at all! He's definitely not in my room! No. Not that I would know where he is because I haven't seen him. But I know he's not in my room, because I just came from there and he wasn't anywhere in sight. Not that there'd be any reason for him to be in my room, but he wasn't. That, I'm sure of! Why? Is he missing?"  
"Yes, but it's no matter now anyway!" she said, winking at Baldrick. Baldrick winked back, but it looked more like a fly had gotten itself caught in his eyelid and Baldrick was trying to force it out.   
Kevin turned on Blackadder. "I thought you said there was a sale on shirts in town! Why'd you lie to me, you lying butler?"  
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Darling," said Blackadder, sarcastically, "The sale must have ended early." The two exchanged wicked sneers.   
"Bertie," said Madeline, "Where is your present for Sir Roderick?"  
Bertie, as clueless as usual, said, "What present?"  
Blackadder rolled his eyes, "I believe Miss Bassett is referring to the bottle of French wine you bought for him, sir."  
"Oh, yes! I must be as thick as a buffalo pie! I left it in the room. Excuse me while I go and fetch it, will you?" With that, Bertie headed back down the hall to his room. He scanned the room looking for the bottle, but didn't see it anywhere. "Blast! It must be in my bedroom!" he said to himself. Bertie walked up to the door to his room and said, very politely and calmly, "Say, Stilton, old chap, how'd you like to put our differences aside and I let you out of there?"  
Stilton screamed back, "LET ME OUT, WOOSTER! I'LL BREAK YOUR SPINE IN EIGHTEEN PLACES!"  
"Now look here, Stilton," said Wooster, then pulling himself back together, "Look, do you see a bottle of wine in there with you?"  
"Yes, it's on the table by your bed!" Stilton answered.   
"Ah, good! Look, Stilton, I need that bottle. Now if I let you out, do you promise you'll give me the bottle?"  
"Yes, alright!"  
"Splendid!" With that, Bertie unlocked the door. As soon as he opened it, he saw the wine bottle come spinning through the air towards his head. Without thinking, he slammed the door shut and locked it as the bottle smashed against the other side of the door. "Damn!" Bertie searched through the room and finally, in Blackadder's bedroom, found a bottle very similar to the one that Stilton had smashed. He quickly wrapped it in paper and hurried down to the party.  
  
****  
  
In the main hall, everyone was gathered. Sir Roderick Spode was standing near the fireplace with Sir Watkyn. To Sir Watkyn's left were Madeline and Kevin. Then Blackadder stood with Baldrick, who was exchanging glances with Elizabeth Finknottle, who was standing on Spode's other side along with Aunt Agatha, Gussie, and Nursie. Bertie sat in the center of them all, playing a song for Sir Roderick.  
  
"Well, I stare at myself in the mirror When I wake up every morn. And I marvel at how great I've been Since the day that I was born. All the girls in college Turned me down for other fellas. But I know why, it seems to me They're just insanely jealous. Who wouldn't be?   
  
Some people call it self-indulgence, But they just don't understand That it's hard to be too humble When you know that you're so grand.   
  
And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, I just want you to see That I've never met a person Who's as wonderful as me.   
  
Now, I'm not arrogant or haughty, And I'm certainly not conceited. But anyone trying to match my wits Is very soon defeated.   
  
I'm a marvelous human being, I'm just one big hunk of man. Sometimes I have to marvel At how very great I am.   
  
Some people call it self-indulgence, But they just don't understand That it's hard to be too humble When you know that you're so grand.   
  
And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, I just want you to see That I've never met a person Who's as marvelous, spectacular, Fantastic and terrific, And so very great and wonderful as me."  
  
They all applauded when he was finished, except Blackadder who looked utterly disgusted. "What's a matter, Mr. B?" asked Baldrick, "Didn't you like it?"  
"No, I didn't," Blackadder answered, "I'm sorry to say it, sir, but your singing would make a thousand screaming banshees sound pleasant in comparison."  
"Normally, I'd agree with you, Blackadder," said Spode, "Usually, he is a complete waste of skin! But this song was actually good!" Blackadder repressed a sudden urge to deflate Spode's overblown ego and tell him what he really thinks of him.  
"Alright! On to the rest of the presents!" said Sir Watkyn. Bertie brought forth his bottle of wine for Sir Roderick and gave it to him.   
Spode unwrapped the package and smiled broadly. "This is one of my favorite's, Wooster! Thank you, my boy! I think I may have underestimated you in the past, Bertie. You're a much better man than I've given you credit for!"  
"Well, thank you, Spode, but I can't take all the credit, mind you! Blackadder here was a big help in picking out just the right wine!" Bertie said.  
"Well, then you have yourself a fine butler! He may be a bit on the rebellious side, but I can teach you how to better train him, Bertie!" Spode said.  
Blackadder bit on his lip to prevent himself from bursting, as Sir Roderick poured himself a glass of the wine. Nursie brought him her gift of the polecat statue. He looked at it, baffled for a moment then said, "Ah, splendid! It will look wonderful in my study! Thank you, miss."   
As Elizabeth presented her book to Spode, Bertie whispered to Blackadder, "You'll have some cleaning to do when we go back to the room, I'm afraid!"  
"Oh?" Blackadder said.  
"That fool, Stilton threw the bottle of wine at the door when I asked him for it?" Bertie explained.  
"The wine bottle for Spode? It's smashed? Then what was that you gave to him?" Blackadder whispered.  
"Well, as luck would have it, I found another bottle of wine in yours and Baldrick's room. Actually, you had a whole pile of them by the door leading to the bathroom.   
Baldrick turned to the pair, "But we don't have any wine in our room, sir. We had to empty all the bottles because the toilet doesn't work because of the Mumbo-Dumbo." Blackadder's face turned grim. After a few moments, realization finally sunk into Bertie's head. He turned and stared at Spode's wine glass.   
"I'm dead," Bertie whispered.   
  
****  
  
Upstairs, Jeeves was walking casually through the hallway. When he came to Bertie's room, he looked around to make sure nobody was watching, before opening the door and going in. "IS THAT YOU, BERTIE? LET ME OUT OF HERE!" called Stilton. Jeeves walked over to the door and retrieved a key from his jacket pocket. He unlocked the door.   
"Hello, sir. How did you get yourself locked in there?" Jeeves said.  
"Get out of my way, Jeeves!" Stilton said, pushing Jeeves to one side and storming out of the room.  
"Certainly," Jeeves said, with a smart smirk on his face.   
  
****  
  
Aunt Agatha had made her way around the group to where Bertie was standing with Blackadder and Baldrick. As Spode opened his next present, from Gussie, Aunt Agatha whispered, "Bertie, why is Madeline Bassett still engaged to that Frenchman? Didn't we have an agreement?"  
"I'm working on it, Aunt Agatha!" Bertie said.  
"You'd better be, Bertie. Sir Watkyn and Sir Roderick will not be happy if you do not follow through with this. And neither will I, Bertie," she said in a threatening tone.   
"Dear Agatha, you really should learn to have faith in your nephew. I've taken care of everything! You'll see!" said Bertie, motioning to Spode.  
"Ah! Thank you, Finknottle!" Spode pulled his wine glass to his lips. Luckily, Madeline interfered.   
"Roderick! There is one more present! It is from Kevin and I! It is a painting by Phillip Renoir that Kevin had made specially for you!" Madeline said, handing the painting to Spode.   
"Ah, thank you, my dear!" Spode said, then turning to Kevin, "And you too, I suppose." With a smile large enough to catch a fish in, Spode unwrapped the painting and held it in front of himself for all to see. Jaws dropped. Bodies stood still. Aunt Agatha dropped her plate of appetizers on the floor. Nursie giggled to herself.   
"That's Spode?" said Gussie, "Then who is that other person in the picture?" Confused by the reactions, Sir Watkyn took the painting and turned it around so he and Spode could see it. They starred in horror. Then Spode turned slowly to Sir Watkyn, who then returned the look.   
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, FRENCHMAN? DO YOU FIND THIS FUNNY? THIS VULGARITY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!" Spode yelled.  
"You are no longer welcomed in my home or in my family!" continued Sir Watkyn.   
"But that's not the painting I bought you!" pleaded Darling, "It must have gotten switched somehow!" With that, Aunt Agatha understood and shot Bertie a knowing, but approving look.   
"A likely story, Frenchie!" said Spode.  
"Madeline, I'm sorry, but I must insist that you cancel this wedding!" Sir Watkyn said.  
"Yes, I believe you're right, father," said Madeline looking disgustedly at Kevin.   
At that very moment, the doors burst open and Stilton Cheesewright stormed into the room. His eyes locked immediately onto Bertie. "WOOSTER! I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR SPINE IN TWENTY-SEVEN PLACES!"   
"What is this now?" said Sir Watkyn, annoyed and confused.  
"This man, this low-life has taken advantage of my darling fiancŽe, Elizabeth. He tried to make a move on her just a few short hours ago in her bedroom! And I'm going to kill him for it! I warned you, Wooster! I warned you!" yelled Stilton.  
"But, Stilton, I didn't! I never went near Elizabeth!" Bertie explained, desperately.  
"That's not what Augustus said!" Stilton yelled.  
"Oh, that," said Gussie, "Well, actually, Stilton, it appears I was mistaken. See, it was actually that other man that I heard in Elizabeth's room." Gussie pointed at Baldrick.  
"WHAT? THAT HUNK OF DUNG?" yelled Stilton.  
"Yes!" Elizabeth said, coming between Stilton and Baldrick, "And I love him! He's twice the man you are! He's funny and he's clever and he loves rats as much as I do and he thinks my nose is pretty! And he's an incredibly good kisser, which is much more than I can say for you!"   
"But Elizabeth," said Stilton, "He is just a mere servant!"  
"And a servant to Mr. Blackadder at that," said a voice coming from the corridor. It was, of course, Reginald Jeeves. He looked at Bertie, "I am very sorry to say, sir, but I told you that he was not to be trusted. He is a truly loathsome human being, sir."   
"Why of all the..." Blackadder started.  
"And it was him who switched the paintings!" said Aunt Agatha, pointing at Blackadder.   
"Precisely!" said Jeeves.   
Spode looked more furious than he ever had before. His faced fumed with anger. He took a sip from his wine glass, paused to taste its strange flavor. "Hmm. Interesting," he said, before turning on Blackadder, "You, sir, are no longer welcomed in this house! Take that idiot of a servant with you and get out of here before I have you arrested! You are a vile, despicable disgrace to the entire butler community! I will petition the Ganymede Club to throw you out and I will send word to all other gentlemen in England! You will never again work in this country! Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Blackadder?" 


	14. Chapter 13: Blackadder Unleashed

Chapter 13  
  
Blackadder Unleashed  
  
Blackadder took a moment to think, and then he let loose. "Oh, shut up, you fat, over-blown, power-hungry git! Yes! You're right! I switched the paintings! I replaced a completely dreadful painting of you with this piece of pornographic filth! Of course, the other picture looked much more like you, seeing as it resembled a pile of rat droppings! It's people like you, Spode, that give the British a bad name! You strut around in your stupid shorts and bad haircut acting like you own all of London just because you can shout your idiotic political ramblings louder than any other arse in England! In comparison, you make the French seem tolerable!"   
Spode was beet-red, but Darling was actually very pleased. Blackadder caught this, and turned, "And you, Mr. Worst-French-Accent-and-Stupidest-Name-in-All-of-Britain! I must say that I don't blame you for becoming an ambassador. After all, if I had had the misfortune to be born a French frog, you can be damn well certain I'd be trying to get as far away from my home country as possible! But the fact that you would come all the way to England and marry into this band of complete lunatics is proof positive that you're just as much of a moron as the rest of the people in France."   
"Ah! Don't listen, Kevin!" cried Madeline.  
"Ah, yes, Miss Madeline Bassett, with a head as empty as bum's resume," said Blackadder, "If you were to go back home with your fiancŽ, you'd likely be hailed as a genius in France. But in the rest of the world, you have as many brain cells as the flowers you so stupidly admire. Really, woman, how is it that your head doesn't completely fall off? Why, if I were your body, I'd do anything I could just to get away from that empty skull of yours. And then there's your voice! I would rather be dragged face down by a train, while clenching a long aluminum rod in my teeth and letting it thrash along the metal railroad, then listen to five minutes of your mindless drivel!" Madeline looked as if she was going to cry.   
"Look, Blackadder! I think that's just about enou..." Gussie started.  
"Enough?" Blackadder said, turning to Gussie, "No, I don't think that it is, actually, Finknottle! In fact, I'm just getting started! You are really a sad, squirmy, pathetic thing, aren't you? You look like an owl that has been starved, had its feathers plucked, and then had been left out to die in the middle of a desert. And you act like a twelve-year old boy trying to figure why Mr. Winky gets up and salutes every time little Sally walks into the room! It's really no surprise that you can't hang on to Madeline. It would take a complete girl's blouse to not be able to handle a woman with all the intellectual capacity of a rotting head of cauliflower." He turned to Stilton.  
"And then we have Stilton Cheesewright. The most insane, barbaric, violent, angry madman since King Richard IV! At least he had the kingdom and an incredibly clever, handsome son, named Edgar, to show for it! What do you have? A blood-pressure level that's as high as a hundred American college students and a fiancŽe who'd rather marry the shortest, smelliest, dirtiest, stupidest man in all of Europe!  
"And Miss Greigson. You think just because you are a fat, old cow with a ton of cash, you can order anyone around that you like, don't you? You think that just because Mr. Wooster is about as sharp as a bowling ball, you can blackmail him into doing anything you want! Even breaking up Madeline and Darling's wedding!"  
"What?" Madeline said, in shock.  
"Yes!" said Blackadder, "This woman here, along with your father and that fat git, Spode forced us to swap that painting so that you wouldn't marry that Frenchman. And while I can't say that I blame her for wanting to keep a Frenchie out of the family, I still say she's a complete and total bitch!" Aunt Agatha stood shocked, unable to speak for the first time in her very long life.   
Finally, Blackadder turned to Nursie. "Nursie, Nursie, Nursie! You may be a sad, insane, stupid old woman, but aside from me, you're probably the most intelligent person in this house!" Nursie giggled stupidly. Of all the people gathered there at Totleigh, only one finally spoke up to Blackadder. Bertie put down his wine and shouted, "Now I've had it, Blackadder! You have insulted my dear friends and my lovely aunt!"  
"As lovely as a elephant's backside, maybe," Blackadder put in.  
"That's it, Blackadder! You get out of here right now and never return! You are fired from my services. Get out!" Bertie turned to Jeeves, "Jeeves, please help me to remove this excrement from the house!"  
Jeeves grinned widely as he approached, "As you wish, sir."   
As Blackadder was walking out the door, Bertie kicked him in the backside. "Ouch!" Blackadder yelled.   
"Well, Wooster," said Spode, "I must say that I am very sorry to you! You have proven me wrong yet again tonight! You defended the honor of this household and everyone here tonight! I say, let's all raise a glass in honor of Bertie Wooster!" Spode poured himself another glass and raised it in the air.   
Just then, Blackadder came back in. "I'm sorry! I just forgot my servant. Come here, Baldrick."  
"Coming, Mr. B!" Baldrick said, waving goodbye to Elizabeth. She looked very sad.   
"Wait!" said Elizabeth, "I want you to have this, Baldrick. It's a symbol of our love. This way, you'll always remember me." She handed Baldrick a large sack. Inside the bag were several live rats from her own collection.  
"Thank you, Miss Finknottle! I'll never forget you!" And with that, Baldrick left with Blackadder.  
"Ahem! As I was saying! A toast to Bertram Wooster! Bertie, you are welcomed in this house forever! I am proud to call you my friend!" They all took a sip of their wine, Spode taking an extra large swig.   
Blackadder popped his head in just one more time, "Oh, by the way, that's urine you're drinking, Spode! Baldrick's urine, to be exact!" Spode spit the urine out of his mouth and all over himself. And with a final smirk, Blackadder left, never to return to Totleigh Towers. 


	15. Chapter 14: An Unexpected Guest

Chapter 14  
  
An Unexpected Guest  
  
On his way back to town, a car going the opposite direction slowed alongside Blackadder's car. The window opened, and inside was a beautiful, soft-skinned.... boy. "Ah, hello...Bob!" said Blackadder.  
"Hello, Edmund," the boy said, "Am I going the right way for Totleigh Towers?"  
"Ah, yes! Yes you are!" said Blackadder, "May I ask what you're going there for?"  
"Well," said Bob, "I'm bringing an unexpected guest to Sir Roderick Spode's birthday party. Mr. Jeeves sent for him." A man leaned forward in the car. Baldrick and Blackadder recognized him immediately.   
"Well," said Blackadder, "You'd better get there quick! They'll be expecting you!"   
"Indeed I will!" said Bob, "I'll see you Tuesday night then, as planned?"  
Blackadder shot Baldrick a nervous glance, hoping that he hadn't heard that. "Uh, yes...ah, of course." With that, Blackadder and Baldrick continued down the road towards London, with a large white sheet protruding from the back seat.   
  
****  
  
"I suppose I owe you an apology, Wooster," said Stilton, back at Totleigh, "I thought it was you that betrayed me, but it was that filthy servant. And it was your evil butler who locked me in your room. Can you ever forgive me, Bertie?"  
"Oh, pish tosh, Stilton! It's forgiven and forgotten! No worries, old chum!" said Bertie.  
"Well, I'm not that forgiving!" said Elizabeth, "Come, Nursie! We're leaving!"  
"Yes, mum!" Nursie said, and then turning to Stilton, "I'm very sorry it didn't work out, dear! But she can be quite stubborn, you know! Why, when she was a baby it was ever so hard to get her to go ploppy on the potty. We tried for..."  
"Shut up, Nursie!" Elizabeth yelled  
"I can never thank you enough, Wooster!" said Sir Watkyn, "I never knew you had it in you to stand up to that bastard! Of course, I knew I could never trust a Frenchman to look after my daughter." He said, shooting Darling an angry look.  
"Well, I..." Darling started.  
"Oh, stuff it, Frenchie!" said Spode.   
Darling looked like he was about to start weeping. "Madeline?" he begged.  
"Oh, I'm sorry, Kevin," Madeline said, "I'm afraid they're right. You're not the strong, brave man I thought you were. I need someone who likes flowers and bunnies and clouds but also someone who can tell a mean, old grouchy-pants like Blackadder when to sod off! I think I'm going to marry Bertie instead!"  
"What?" said Bertie, flabbergasted.  
Sir Watkyn was thrilled, "Yes! We can hold the wedding next week you'd like! This will be a happy, joyous time for all of us!"   
Bertie didn't know what to say. He had managed to become the most well loved man at Totleigh, but now he was engaged to the stupidest woman in all of Europe. Blackadder was rude, but he was right about Madeline, Bertie thought. Her brain was so small that a colony of ants could use it as a football. How was he ever going to get out of this mess?  
At the very moment that Bertie was contemplating the end of his bachelor days, the front door flew open. It was Bob Parkhurst. Bob said, "Ladies and gentlemen of Totleigh Towers, may I present..."  
The man rushed into the room. He had long, curly, blonde hair with a matching mustache. He stood with all the presence of the sexiest man in the world. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-it's ME!" he proclaimed.  
"Well, who in blazes are you?" said Bertie.  
"What? You don't recognize me?" the man said, "I'm the man who's so bloody sexy that the girls need to wrap a towel around their head just to keep their eyeballs from falling out! Woof!"   
"And your name?" asked Bertie.  
"This, sir," said Jeeves, "Is Sir Flashheart. He is known about town for his excessive libido and unstoppable lust."  
"That's smarty-pants butler talk for 'I'm a sexy bitch and I love to shag!' Woof, woof!" said Flashheart.   
"Ah," said Bertie.  
"And what do we have here?" he said turning to Madeline Bassett. "You look sexy enough to be a female version of me! I wish I were cross-eyed so I could see you twice at the same time! Woof!"  
"This is my fiancŽe, Madeline," said Bertie.  
"Well not anymore, she's not!" said Flashheart, "So, pretty lady, how'd you like me to cut off your arms and make you my Venus de Milo?"  
"Well, I don't know about cutting my arms off," said Madeline.  
"Let's cut the small talk, babe! I'm a steaming hunk of love and so are you! So, do you want to take a ride on my submarine? And I'm not talking about an underwater vehicle! Woof!"   
"Woof!" said Madeline, "Let's go!"  
"I don't know why I even bother asking anymore! It's not like any woman could possibly resist old Flash! Woof! Woof!" said Flashheart, "Come on, Bob! You can get in on the action too!"   
"Sorry, Bertie!" said Madeline as she was carried out the door by Flashheart.   
After they left, Bertie felt a huge sigh of relief. A huge crisis narrowly avoided. Spode got up to leave the room "I'm changing out of these clothes! I'll see you later, Bertie," said Spode.  
"I'll help you gather the presents," said Sir Watkyn to Spode. Bertie, Jeeves, and Darling were left alone in the room.   
"Well," said Bertie, after they were gone, "I guess the wedding's off then."  
"Yes, sir, it would appear so," said Jeeves.  
"Hmm," said Bertie, "I wonder what Flashheart came here for in the first place. It's almost as if someone knew that I would be engaged to Madeline and sent Flash here to break it up!" Bertie looked suspiciously at Jeeves. "Jeeves, did you do all this?"  
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves, "When I found out about Mrs. Greigson forcing you to break up Mr. Darling and Miss Bassett, I knew that Miss Bassett would turn to you, remembering how she suffered from the delusion that you were madly in love with her. Remembering Blackadder talk of his former master, Sir Flashheart, at the Ganymede Club, I knew that he would be able to draw Miss Bassett's attention away from you. So, calling in a favor with a good friend at the Ganymede Club, I arranged for Sir Flashheart to be brought here precisely at this time."  
"Brilliant, Jeeves!" said Bertie, "Jeeves?"  
"Yes, sir?"  
"I wonder if you might come back on and work for me again. I mean, I know I was a bit of an arse-head before, but I promise you that will change. So, what do you say?"  
"Nothing would give me greater pleasure, sir," said Jeeves.  
"But...wait!" said Darling, "What about me?"  
"I'm afraid I'll have to quit, sir," said Jeeves, "I'm very sorry, Darling."  
"But...you can't do that to me!" shouted Darling, "I'm an ambassador of France! You work for me now! You have to at least give notice! You can't just quit like that!"  
"Oh, bugger off, you old fart!" Bertie said.   
"Goodbye, Darling," Jeeves said. Darling's eye twitched once again. And finally, Jeeves and Wooster packed up and left Totleigh Towers and headed home. 


	16. Chapter 15: Mrs Miggin's Contest

Chapter 15  
  
Mrs. Miggin's Contest  
  
The car zipped along the road, heading back into London. Jeeves had just finished explaining how he had arranged for Blackadder to be revealed for who he really was. "Absolutely astounding, Jeeves!" Bertie was praising, "So you knew what a rascal he was the whole time! And you let old Stilton out of my room at the precise moment when his entrance would cause Blackadder to fly off the handle? Superbly done, Jeeves! I only wish I had known what a cad Blackadder was to begin with."  
"If you recall, sir, I did make mention of that fact when I left your employ," Jeeves reminded him.  
"Oh, yes, that's right," said Bertie, "Oh, Jeeves, I've been such a complete arse-head, haven't I? Can you ever forgive me?"  
"I am not one to hold a grudge, sir," said Jeeves, "Before we go home, I shall need to stop at the store to pick up some thread, sir."   
"What for, Jeeves?"  
"To repair your suit, sir."  
"Oh, that old thing? Never mind it, Jeeves. I should have listened to you in the first place. What a dreadful outfit! I'm glad those dogs tore it up! From now on, Jeeves, I will always listen closely to your advice regarding fashion."  
"Very good, sir," Jeeves said, with a smile of satisfaction. "However, I do need to stop in at the Ganymede Club, if you don't mind, sir."  
"Oh, really? I was rather hoping to get home and get some sleep, actually, Jeeves."  
"It would only take a minute, sir."  
"Oh, yes, alright, Jeeves! It's the least I can do, I suppose."  
"I am most appreciative, sir." With that, the car stopped at the curb outside the Ganymede Club. "I will be right out, sir." Jeeves left the car and entered the club. Inside, Michael Kranton greeted him.   
"Did he show up on time, Reggie?"  
"Oh, yes, Michael. Everything worked according to plan. So, what have I missed?" asked Jeeves.  
"Oh, not much, yet. Mrs. Miggins is just about to award the grand prize."  
"Ah, well, I don't want to miss that!" said Jeeves, making his way quickly into the main hall.   
Up on the stage, Mrs. Miggins stood, speaking to the crowd of Ganymede Club members. "Welcome, everyone to the First Annual Ganymede's Club Art and Music Competition. Our committee has spent many hours studying artwork from members all over London. It has not been an easy task, as all of the work was..."  
"OH, GET ON WITH IT!" someone shouted, rudely, from the crowd. Jeeves recognized the voice immediately. He moved his way through the crowd and walked up behind the man.   
"Hello, Blackadder," he said.  
Blackadder turned around. "Ah, Jeeves. You're late!"   
"Yes, well I'm here for the results and that's all we're interested in."  
They turned their attention back to Mrs. Miggins. "Finally, we present the top winners in the competition. The second place runner up was actually drawn by the master of one of our members, not by a member himself. It's called 'Girls I Haven't Done It With Yet," by Sir Flashheart.'" She held up what appeared to be a blank canvas.   
Blackadder rolled his eyes. "Oh, god."   
"The runner up is a quaint painting entitled 'Farmhouse at Dawn.'" She held up Baldrick's soiled napkin.   
"I did it, Mr. B! They liked my painting!" said Baldrick, glowing.   
"Yes, well there's no accounting for tastes," said Blackadder.  
"She said it was quaint," Baldrick replied.  
"You really know that the English language is in the toilet when 'quaint' has become synonymous with 'utter crap,'" scoffed Blackadder.  
"Ah, here it is!" Jeeves said.   
"And finally," said Mrs. Miggins, "The grand prize of 10,000 pounds goes to a satirical painting of the most pompous man in England, called 'Sir Roderick Rat-Face Spode' by the Totleigh Trio." Everyone cheered. Baldrick went up to the stage to collect the winnings. Meanwhile, Blackadder and Jeeves made their way through the cheers and pats on the backs and into a small, quiet den. Blackadder closed the door.  
"We did it, Jeeves!" he proclaimed.  
"Yes, Blackadder, it worked spledindly, indeed!" said Jeeves.   
"I can't believe our little scheme worked. Well, your little scheme, I should say, I suppose."  
"Well, I couldn't have done it without you and Baldrick, Eddie!" Jeeves said.  
"We completely fooled the whole lot of them. Of course, fooling your master is about as difficult as trying to break open a piggy bank by dropping a bomb on it."  
"Yes, he is rather weak in the brain department, but all the more reason to stay with him, don't you think?"  
"Of course, Jeeves! The stupider the master, the more blood we can squeeze out of them, I always say!" Blackadder replied. Baldrick entered the room carrying a large sack of money.   
"And now the big pay-off!" said Jeeves, excitedly.   
"I can't wait to spend my share, sir!" said Baldrick.  
"Really? What are you planning to buy, Balders?" asked Blackadder.  
"Well, I was thinking of going out to Mrs. Miggin's farm and seeing how many turnips I could buy," said Baldrick.  
"Money well spent," said Jeeves sarcastically, "But you did earn your share, so you are free to do with it what you'd like, of course!"   
"Mr. B, I have a question," said Baldrick.  
"Yes?"   
"Well, there's 10,000 pounds in this bag and there's three of us, right? But we all need to have the same amount of money in the end. So my question is, how can we make it so that there's an equal amout of money for each of us out of the 10,000 pounds, without having any left over money?" Baldrick asked.  
"Do you mean, 'How do we split up the money evenly?" Jeeves said.  
"Yeah!" said Baldrick.  
"Well, actually, Baldrick. It is impossible to divide 10,000 by three. But never fear, for I have a very simple solution to the problem," said Blackadder.  
"What's that, sir?" Baldrick asked. Without hesitation, Blackadder punched Baldrick square in the face, causing him to collapse onto the floor.   
Blackadder grabbed the money bag out of Baldrick's hands as he fell. "Well, Jeeves, we certainly make a great team, don't we?"  
"Indeed we do, Blackadder."  
"We should work together more often, you know, Jeeves. Scheming rich gits out of their cash! What great fun that would be! What do you say, Jeeves?" Blackadder said, turning to his partner. Without warning, Jeeves' fist slammed into Blackadder's face. Blackadder fell to the floor.   
Jeeves picked up the money bag. "Sod off, you big-nosed, loud-mouthed, arrogant schmuck!" And with that, Jeeves strolled casually out of the Ganymede Club and back into the car with Bertie Wooster.   
"Everything squared away, Jeeves?" said Bertie.  
"Oh yes, sir," said Jeeves.  
"Ah, good then! We're off! Say, Jeeves, what's that you have there in your hands?"  
"What? This?" asked Jeeves clutching the moneybag.   
Back in the club, Baldrick and Blackadder were getting to their feet. Blackadder held his hand to his nose. "That total bastard! He's gone! And he's taken all the money! What a completely ungrateful little prick!"   
"Well, sir, he hasn't really taken the money," said Baldrick.  
"Yes he did, Baldrick! He just left here with the moneybag!"  
"Yes, but that wasn't the bag with the money at all, sir! That was my bag of rats that Lady Elizabeth gave me! Here's the actual moneybag!" said Baldrick, pulling a bag from under his shirt. I had a feeling Jeeves would turn on you, so I brought in my bag of rats as a cunning plan!"  
"Baldrick! That's brilliant!" Blackadder said, kissing Baldrick on the head.   
"Thank you, Mr. B!"   
Elsewhere, in the streets of London, Bertie Wooster's car was swerving through the streets, while several dirty rats crawled over Jeeves and Wooster.   
  
(This is where you would start humming the "Jeeves and Wooster" theme song...)  
  
THE END  
  
If you liked this story, check out "Blackadder: The Complete Collector's Set" and "Jeeves and Wooster: The Complete Series" available now on DVD and video.   
  
Also, keep a look out for other "Blackadder" fanfics coming soon!   
  
Don't forget to write a review, please! 


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